Starry Eyed--with a lack of Surprise
::There's no surprises here--look straight into my eyes and you'll see everything you need to know::
After a long weekend of being trapped at my desk catching up on school work and not being able to really get out and socialize, I find myself with no desire to continue doing my school work. My head is full of thoughts but they move so fast that it's impossible to write about them, or to even understand them. A lot of my being is encompassed by anticipation right now, in fact it's literally pulsing in waves off of my skin. Anticipation of numerous things, such as the end of the semester which I unfortunately already have one confirmed B in and I have three more tests to go and I'm completely unprepared for most of them. Then my final portfolio consisting of 6 hard to come by revisions is due next week as well as a paper I've yet to do the background work for. Top it all off with the idea that I've been hanging out with and talking more frequently with someone whom I can fairly say I want, and want alot with no shame. Eagerness should never be hidden to be more alluring. I want him to know that I like him, that I want to date him, that I want to spend a good bit of my free time with him. I'm sure he is perceptive enough to know this, even if we assume that he can't just look into my eyes with his own piercing ones and see it all written out for him. He's actually the first guy that I've had a crush on since I came out, and by crush I mean in the sense that from watching him at a distance, I could not really bring myself to talk to him and let him know I liked him--nor was he attainable once I finally become brave enough to do so. (I hope he doesn't think I'm a freak if he reads this...lol.) So anyways, this is my current state of mind...lost in my thoughts bouncing between him, my impending doom if I don't find the motivation to watch these lectures, a possible spring break trip to Prague with Nicole to visit my friend Anne (and check out the hot Czech guys of course), a poem I need to write re-telling a bible story, and the thought that I haven't had sex in months (which calculates to the longest spell, aside from when I was in NM for the summer, since I became sexually active all those years ago as a freshmen in high school). So, it should be no wonder that I'm frustrated and I want to punch Dr. Brenner in the face rather than endure 10 more lectures of his bullshit.
Perhaps a little more procrastination will do me some good.
Adjusted, finally.
Well let's see...I still have like fifty things to do in the next two weeks so I've decided to procrastinate a little more and write another post. What's worse is that I just read a lot of my past posts in attempt to self-handicap even more and try to forget about those damned lectures. What I realized when reading my posts is that this semester has been very tumultuous (duh!) While reading the posts I was shocked to re-experience some of the events marking this point in my life. I couldn't believe I had been through so much in so little time and listed unevenly between mania and depression. Seeing as I still have approximately three weeks left in this semester and they are bound to be just as chaotic as the other fifteen have been, I'm officially dubbing this semester my bi-polar semester. Frankly I just can't find a better description of the vascillating emotional trip I've been on since closing the door on Mario.
So here I am, on November 28, 2004--two months and twenty-seven days later--finally adjusted to singleness, completely. Sure I miss having a warm body in my bed and I miss having someone always there who knows me inside out, someone who can comfort me if I was to need it, and someone to kiss and hold. But I don't need that and I'm not going to waste my time satiating some of those things if I know it won't be right in the end. No jumping the gun for me. Right now I'm just going to concentrate on finishing this semester up, hanging out with good friends, enjoying the holidays(even though I'll be working through most of them), and going with the flow of things. Whatever wants to happen, will happen. I could be single for two years, or I could be single for just a week more...at this point I'm not concerned with that. Although, there are still those I'm interested in, and if anything pans out I'll make sure to write about it so that I have some happy posts mixed in with the depressing ones.
And by the way...I'm loving this weather, it's getting really close to scarf temperatures.
You're a little late...I'm already Torn
When listening to music, do you really listen? Do you let the words reverberate off of your brainwaves, resound in your chest, course through your veins? Or is it just empty noise, something filling the background, something you may or may not be screaming aloud to while driving your coupe down the avenues--absentmindedly not understanding what the artist has to say? Of course, if you're listening to certain pop artists it may not matter which way you listen to your music, and again, depending upon your personality it may not matter. Why am I rambling on about listening to music? Well, every once in a while I find myself in these moods, mostly introspective moods that are sometimes somber but not necessarily having to be, and I take the time to actually listen to the lyrics of a song. And every once in a while of those times I find a song that floors me and that I can relate to perfectly at that moment. It feels great to have a song, a beautiful song(hopefully), that you can listen to while expressing your moods. If you're depressed, it will resonate in you and hopefully not make you more depressed, but instead just give you something to take your mind off of everything...and if you're more cheery, a good song with great lyrics will hopefully give you something to scream wildly about and commit to memory a great experience. And sometimes, that voice blaring through your speakers has an ability to put into words how you feel and may even be used by you to tell someone something you can't find the right words for.
So back to my post title...for those of you non-listeners out there it is quoted from a late 90's song by Natalie Imbruglia titled Torn. Right now, that is exactly how I feel. I'm torn against myself, torn against my school work and wage work, torn against my social life, torn against my (non-existent) love life, torn against my future goals. I'm just torn...already torn. Situations occur which try and knock me off my feet. Trying to impede my stride, or to stress me out even more and every once in awhile succeeding. Well, recently I realized that a wish of mine of late now has the chance of being granted, but there was a counter-wish already in motion and now, depending on external circumstances, I will probably pull the feet out from under the counter-wish and go back to my original wish. Sometimes I feel I'm not selfish enough and too caring for other's that my own well-being gets put on the back burner, making certain decisions extremely hard to make. But this time I had to exercise a little self-gratification and my decision has been made. I just hope I don't get burned.
Regardless, I'm getting burned anyways because I have sooo much school work to do in the next week or two that I really don't even have the spare time to be writing this. End of semester crunches really suck...but they are so fulfilling afterwards because I feel like I achieved so much while cramming to get it all done.
Well anyways, enough introspection and puzzled writing and random correlations...actually, that's exactly what I'm going to do: More of my 20 or so Stat lectures that are bearing down on me.
More Important Things In Life...
So here I sit all sore, feeling like a train hit me last night. I went to the FSU v UF game in Tallahassee and it was the first game I'd been to since the same match-up last year. I forgot how tiring and depleting four hours of constant yelling, clapping, and war chopping could be. I guess it doesn't help the matter that I've only gotten about 5 hours of good sleep per night for the past 5 or 6 nights. Oh well, most of the nights were worth it. But, due to upcoming work loads and school loads, I'm not going to be staying up for the sunrise much more this semester. Just can't do it. Already, I've let myself get backed up to the tune of 32 fifty minute lectures which need to be watched and understood by December 3rd ::gasp:: This is not to mention that I haven't kept up with any of my reading for my other classes and I still have a paper to turn in for my poetry class. What do I do with my time? Simple answer: not really too much. If I'm alone in my room, I'm probably watching TV or talking to a few people on AIM...and probably obsessing over someone. If I'm elsewhere, say like campus...I'm in class or I'm probably reading the newspaper and talking to someone. But never, never doing what should be done to keep my GPA holding strong. I blame all of my extreme laziness this semester on the crappy pointless classes I am taking and also on the tumultuous events which have been anything but steady and relieveing this semester...all stemming back to the fact that I'm no longer in a long term intimate relationship. Things have been bleak, and things have been rather enlightening...and now perhaps, things are looking up again. Time to dispell the somber mood of late and return to my normal go-lucky self. The fact that I'm starting to like someone a lot and that I've been told those feelings are mutual is really helping. I can be happy alone, but I'm always happier with someone I like.
The Circle of Life
How much can one person change in two years away from home?
Here I sit in my parents' new house, all comfortableness from my childhood stripped and left behind on Lakeshore Blvd. Sure, all the pictures are the same and the walls have been painted the same colors, but this new house is creepy. Even its inhabitants are different...my parents and I always seem to argue everytime I come home. They bitch and make comments about my sexuality all the time. Yet when I call them on it and start a discussion with them, they close up and say, "Oh, let's not fucking talk about." It bugs the hell out of me. How did I survive such close-mindedness? Anyways, I still am grateful for everything they've given me...but as time goes on and I become more independent of them, less and less holds us together and I spend less and less time talking to them or going back home to visit them. The same holds true for good friends from high school too...as time goes forward, we seem to talk less and less and the differences between us become magnified. With dying relationships must come budding new ones, but lately, it seems as if mine are dying quicker than I can form new ones.
Alas....
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Philosophies
crumble everyday
all around me
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No outlook on
life withstands
a test of time
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Do not ever close your mind off to the possibility of change.
Each day brings something new and I've yet figured out how to predict the effects of each days' events.
Coherent? Barely Conundrum? Fuck Yes
Today was rather interesting. Interesting in the fact that I got two unusual phone calls. Usually I can sit all day long and my cell phone might not even ring, if it does it would be my mother or someone needing me for something. But today my best friend(guy) from my high school called me to talk. We've talked recently (as in, September when I called him to tell him Michael Moore was speaking here at UF), but I just wasn't expecting it...especially in the mood I've been in lately. As it turns out we ended up talking for almost an hour and a half. Mostly about politics because our normal talking point (football) has been in hiding due to our jobs. It was nice though and it reminded me of why we actually got along in high school. Since I came out though I've felt restricted around him because it's not an area that is comfortable to him. So that was that one. Then tonite, one of the first people from my high school to find out about me because she ran into me and my boyfriend at Metro before it was public knowledge, called me. Albeit she was drunk, but still...I haven't talked to her in like almost two years. So why would I be blogging about this nonsense? Well, it made me really stop to think about my life and where I'm at right now. I ran from my past...purposefully. When I applied to colleges, I knew I would get into UF and I knew that was where I was going. Only one actual thing about the school helped me decide and that was the fact that I thought the campus was/is beautiful. My other reasons were insane and idiotic but here goes...I felt the need to get away from my high school and everything that came with it, including my friends. I wanted to start anew, partly because I knew I intended to live openly in college and thought that my friends would not accept me. Plus, I thought that if I had stuck around them, I would hinder myself from meeting new people which is something I find hard enough to do already...if they were around I would just hang out with them and not branch out. Here's where my thought processes get grim and self-centered: I knew that I would get away from them at UF, because even though some of my friends applied here, I knew that they most likely would not be able to get in because they didn't have the pretty applications or GPAs (sorry guys). Now I question my judgement though. It would have been nice to have a few friends here, someone to help me through my rough times like this.
I'm just amazed at how fucked up one brain can be. My random thoughts fly everywhere and I always have a seemingly brilliant idea that turns to shit and leaves me in the middle of nowhere, not knowing what to do with myself. So here I sit alone, rebounding from a 2 year relationship that left my -ex fucked up for about a month, but now they have apparently gotten into a relationship with someone else already and I'm still sitting here alone, scratching myself and wondering when a good man is going to come along. Actually, I found one, but he doesn't want me right now...and I don't know if I should wait or find someone else. Only problem is, he's so magnificent that every guy I know and will probably meet anytime soon will just be second rate compared to him. Thus, this is the conundrum...my life.
A Poem complementing my last Blog
I wrote this poem in the Spring of 2004, but when I was writing my blog I suddenly remembered it and thought it was interesting how close their themes are. Hope you enjoy reading it!
Winter Chill [Dysthymia]
Towering over the bench
many feet high, he's like
a New York scraper, slowly
swaying from side to side as
the wind pushes him. His every instinct
to snap back like over-stretched
rubber. Yet he's solid. Afterall, he has
been standing for over fifty years, never
yet has a gust been husky
enough to snap his hundreds of fibers
banded together holding steady
the magnificent crown.
But every year he enters
into depression, losing all color
and enthusiasm. Failing to bring
cheer to everyone who believes
in him. For months he will stand
in the bitter cold losing precious
memories of warmth and love,
radiance and beauty.
Then, as if it never left, the warm
wind rushes in hugging him and
swaying him from left to right.
Reminding him of all the good times
and putting color back in his cheeks.
Soon he brings joy to all who come
to relax around him. Protecting
and comforting the angry ones who
just had heated fights, and instilling
hope in those who find comfort
in his unwavering stability.
After a few months, the bone
snapping chill will be back and
he will again have to survive
the worst. Knowing
that without despair, Joy means nothing.
In light of darkness, Optimism prevails
Sitting here in my cozy bed, trying to stay warm, I'm thinking of how much I love the cold. A winter chill can bring with it so many warm fuzzies. But I can also see how people can hate the cold, especially if they are missing those warm fuzzies. In fact, I will most likely be missing those warm fuzzies this winter season. (A six pound chihuahua can only warm your bed up so much.) I'm single. Bah humbug. After being single for the better part of my high school years, I grew to hate it. Watching my friends and other people falling in love all around me really grated my soul. So, when I got to college and was already out of the closet I pursued what I always saw as being denied to me, relationship bliss. It ended up being a two year roller coaster. It had brilliant ups and shattered downs. The worst thing about the entire ordeal, however, was the fact that I fell into the relationship before I really had the chance to build up my own social network. And because it is just the type of person I am, I devoted most of my time to my boyfriend and neglected the need to build my own friendships away from the relationship. So when I found myself having to break up a flawed relationship that was going nowhere, I found myself absolutely nowhere. I have friends that I hang out with every once in awhile but I don't have the close friends that offer me the escape and comfort that I had grown so used to with my -ex for two years and with my best friend in high school. Unfortunately, close friendships don't just happen and they are hard to form when you suffer from dysthymia (no one likes a downer). I had my one close friend when this semester started but due to other problems, that bond has been horribly weakened. It has been two months now and I've tried to occupy my time with other guys that I may possibly like, my writing, and politics. Two have failed me and my writing can only comfort me so much before I start to worry again. Worry of lonesomeness. As far as guys go, it's hard to meet them in Gainesville(good ones anyways), I have met two this semester who had the ability to attract my attention through both good looks and personality. They intrigue me and interest me, which I value highly. But timing appears to mean everything and both of them are off limits for now. In fact, I don't even know how they feel about me, if they would ever want a relationship with me...one is dedicated to school, the other is in a current relationship. I pride myself on being highly intuitive and emotionally perceptive, but it's impossible for me to know if what I perceive is really going on or if I'm just projecting into them what I personally want to see. Then comes politics...I love politics, so much so that I've chosen it as my major. Yet it failed me on November 3rd. I was so optimistic about the election, everything I knew and others knew pointed to a win for Kerry. Even the exit polls, which are hardly ever wrong, predicted Kerry. But history apparently does not mean much when you are referencing it for the W. Bush administration. Time and time again he has *cheated* the odds. I'll leave it at that. So, having my hopes crushed in a few areas, I've moped all week and weekend, not knowing what else to do, or being in the mood to do much else. I guess it's time to just tell myself...take it day by day buddy. Just like I did in high school. I've been through tough times, I'll make it to the other side. Bring on the cold, at least I'll get to dress all cute! (See budding optimism already)
Liberals United Will Take Back America
The following is an email I wrote to MoveON.org. I'm no longer going to sit on my ass while the opposition meets at least once a week to rally and gather support for their conservative causes at church. This time around I'm going to become very active and take part in campaigns to help Democrats back into office. I'm writing this blog in hopes that many other Liberals will read it and take it upon themselves to urge the major Liberal Organizations to band together and organize a massive protest and march on D.C. during Bush's second inauguration. Feel free to be inspired by the following email and in fact write many similar to it to send off to friends, loved ones, and Liberal lobby groups. It is important that we act fast in planning this and take to the streets to show America that we are very much alive and strong and will soon fight like hell to take back our Country! WE must spread the word!
Dear MoveON.org--
My friends and I were thinking that it would be a splendid idea for us to contact the big liberal activism groups around the country and encourage them to work together to organize a huge march on D.C. during Bush's second inauguration. We need a million+ people march to show America that Liberalism hasn't died, we are very much strong and alive, we believe this President is a threat as well as a scam, and that even though the conservatives won this time...we are some very pissed off liberals and we are prepared to act quickly and efficiently in getting the Republicans out of office. We need to show our force by numbers and peace, no violence, in fact, my friends and I think a march of 10 million silent people, quietly waving signs will speak volumes. We could then rally at the reflection pond and mall and speak about the issues we wish to see handled. Please, please help us! Contact everyone of your volunteers and sister organizations and start planning now...the organizing of a protest of this magnitude must be handled well in advance. We've got two months. Let's take back America!
Shattered Hopes, Despondent Outlook
Yet again I'm baffled by the incongruence between most pre-election polls and the actual results. How is it that Republicans swept another election when most of them seemed down in the polls beforehand? I'm not big on conspiracy theory, but after Bush tried his damndest to steal Florida in 2000 and actually did, I'm fairly convinced something suspicious has happened. Regardless of the scandalous efforts of the Republican big wigs across the country, I'm frightened by the obvious trend towards radical conservatism. People are so hateful in this country...worried about what everyone else is doing wrong rather than identifying what they can improve about themselves. I was raised Catholic and am still pretty Christian and I deplore any other Christian who stands up in the name of God and preaches hate of anyone. Christians claim to be pro-life, yet they apparently just elected a President who is blatantly pro-death. Bush's wrongful decision to end pursuit of bin Laden and instead pursue Iraq has ended in the wrongful deaths of approximately 16,000 innocent Iraqis, not including the insurgents fighting against us, and over 1,100 of our own beloved soldiers. No amount of stopped abortions could possibly make up for that catastrophic loss of lives. This is just one example of the numerous flawed decisions Bush has made in his 3.5 years during which he has failed to unite a very divided nation and will continue to fail to do so because everyone knows that policy based on hate and disregard for other people causes very polemic opinions.
For those of us who understand the repercussions of the past 24 hours…
IT TRULY IS A SAD DAY FOR AMERICA!
Baby's got a brand new revelation
A week is a long time. Enough time for many things to happen, including FSU losing unexpectedly! Aside from that depressing thought, I haven't really had too many depressing thoughts this past half a week or so. It's been pretty good...hence the brand new revelation. I think that I'm okay with being single now, it's taken two months but I'm finally okay with it. Which is humorous to me because I may not be single for long. Usually once I find myself being able to deal with certain aspects of life, wrenches get thrown into plans and my entire outlook ends up shifting. I'm thinking that might happen again soon. It's just a feeling. Another of my intuitive feelings is that John Kerry is going to be our next President. You watch and see, he's going to win. He's going to win Michigan, Wisconsin, Iowa, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Minnesota, California, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, Maine, Vermont, DC, Delaware, New York, Illinois, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Maryland, New Jersey, New Hampshire, and FLORIDA. To hell with the other states, we don't need them. I really can not believe that tomorrow has finally come. GET OUT AND VOTE tomorrow if you haven't already. I went on Wednesday so I'm going to spend my day tomorrow kindly reminding everyone else to get to the polls. Then hopefully I'll watch our new President be decided on CNN with close friends and cry tears of joy that this tyranny is almost over.
