Consummated Randomness

Coherent? Barely Conundrum? Fuck Yes

Today was rather interesting. Interesting in the fact that I got two unusual phone calls. Usually I can sit all day long and my cell phone might not even ring, if it does it would be my mother or someone needing me for something. But today my best friend(guy) from my high school called me to talk. We've talked recently (as in, September when I called him to tell him Michael Moore was speaking here at UF), but I just wasn't expecting it...especially in the mood I've been in lately. As it turns out we ended up talking for almost an hour and a half. Mostly about politics because our normal talking point (football) has been in hiding due to our jobs. It was nice though and it reminded me of why we actually got along in high school. Since I came out though I've felt restricted around him because it's not an area that is comfortable to him. So that was that one. Then tonite, one of the first people from my high school to find out about me because she ran into me and my boyfriend at Metro before it was public knowledge, called me. Albeit she was drunk, but still...I haven't talked to her in like almost two years. So why would I be blogging about this nonsense? Well, it made me really stop to think about my life and where I'm at right now. I ran from my past...purposefully. When I applied to colleges, I knew I would get into UF and I knew that was where I was going. Only one actual thing about the school helped me decide and that was the fact that I thought the campus was/is beautiful. My other reasons were insane and idiotic but here goes...I felt the need to get away from my high school and everything that came with it, including my friends. I wanted to start anew, partly because I knew I intended to live openly in college and thought that my friends would not accept me. Plus, I thought that if I had stuck around them, I would hinder myself from meeting new people which is something I find hard enough to do already...if they were around I would just hang out with them and not branch out. Here's where my thought processes get grim and self-centered: I knew that I would get away from them at UF, because even though some of my friends applied here, I knew that they most likely would not be able to get in because they didn't have the pretty applications or GPAs (sorry guys). Now I question my judgement though. It would have been nice to have a few friends here, someone to help me through my rough times like this.

I'm just amazed at how fucked up one brain can be. My random thoughts fly everywhere and I always have a seemingly brilliant idea that turns to shit and leaves me in the middle of nowhere, not knowing what to do with myself. So here I sit alone, rebounding from a 2 year relationship that left my -ex fucked up for about a month, but now they have apparently gotten into a relationship with someone else already and I'm still sitting here alone, scratching myself and wondering when a good man is going to come along. Actually, I found one, but he doesn't want me right now...and I don't know if I should wait or find someone else. Only problem is, he's so magnificent that every guy I know and will probably meet anytime soon will just be second rate compared to him. Thus, this is the conundrum...my life.

posted by RPF @ 1:13 AM