Consummated Randomness

In light of darkness, Optimism prevails

Sitting here in my cozy bed, trying to stay warm, I'm thinking of how much I love the cold. A winter chill can bring with it so many warm fuzzies. But I can also see how people can hate the cold, especially if they are missing those warm fuzzies. In fact, I will most likely be missing those warm fuzzies this winter season. (A six pound chihuahua can only warm your bed up so much.) I'm single. Bah humbug. After being single for the better part of my high school years, I grew to hate it. Watching my friends and other people falling in love all around me really grated my soul. So, when I got to college and was already out of the closet I pursued what I always saw as being denied to me, relationship bliss. It ended up being a two year roller coaster. It had brilliant ups and shattered downs. The worst thing about the entire ordeal, however, was the fact that I fell into the relationship before I really had the chance to build up my own social network. And because it is just the type of person I am, I devoted most of my time to my boyfriend and neglected the need to build my own friendships away from the relationship. So when I found myself having to break up a flawed relationship that was going nowhere, I found myself absolutely nowhere. I have friends that I hang out with every once in awhile but I don't have the close friends that offer me the escape and comfort that I had grown so used to with my -ex for two years and with my best friend in high school. Unfortunately, close friendships don't just happen and they are hard to form when you suffer from dysthymia (no one likes a downer). I had my one close friend when this semester started but due to other problems, that bond has been horribly weakened. It has been two months now and I've tried to occupy my time with other guys that I may possibly like, my writing, and politics. Two have failed me and my writing can only comfort me so much before I start to worry again. Worry of lonesomeness. As far as guys go, it's hard to meet them in Gainesville(good ones anyways), I have met two this semester who had the ability to attract my attention through both good looks and personality. They intrigue me and interest me, which I value highly. But timing appears to mean everything and both of them are off limits for now. In fact, I don't even know how they feel about me, if they would ever want a relationship with me...one is dedicated to school, the other is in a current relationship. I pride myself on being highly intuitive and emotionally perceptive, but it's impossible for me to know if what I perceive is really going on or if I'm just projecting into them what I personally want to see. Then comes politics...I love politics, so much so that I've chosen it as my major. Yet it failed me on November 3rd. I was so optimistic about the election, everything I knew and others knew pointed to a win for Kerry. Even the exit polls, which are hardly ever wrong, predicted Kerry. But history apparently does not mean much when you are referencing it for the W. Bush administration. Time and time again he has *cheated* the odds. I'll leave it at that. So, having my hopes crushed in a few areas, I've moped all week and weekend, not knowing what else to do, or being in the mood to do much else. I guess it's time to just tell myself...take it day by day buddy. Just like I did in high school. I've been through tough times, I'll make it to the other side. Bring on the cold, at least I'll get to dress all cute! (See budding optimism already)

posted by RPF @ 10:45 AM