Consummated Randomness

Getting a clue

For the past three days my head has been rife with turmoil. Spinning reality until it seems like a convoluted world to my little naive heart. Suffering from an over-analytical mind, I sometimes very easily get carried away and avoid the obvious reasons. But sometimes the obvious reason to my mind is the most simplistic and worrisome. For the past two months I have been two to three hundred minutes over on my cell phone...so, for this month I extended my plan. Well, after a long ringless weekend, I doubt I'll even use half of my alotted minutes. What is one to think when the cell phone stops ringing? ......usually something like this....what did I do? does anyone like me anymore? does he like me? I would call someone if I liked them enough! Maybe thats it! Maybe I've been exhausted...maybe my friends and interests have no use for me anymore. These are the tricks of a worrisome mind, and these are the tricks that pull at my heart. All I ever want is to be loved, and I used to love myself, but as the days wear on, I'm falling out of love. With myself and with the world. Soon enough it will be impossible to see a difference between night or day. Already I'm headed in that direction, mind robbing me of sleep. Tossing and turning, I've tried just writing to calm my nerves and rock me to sleep. But only utter exhaustion near 5 AM has been able to knock me out. And even then, only for a few hours. Unfortunately, I think i've estranged myself and drastically hurt my chances towards a happy ending with two different people in the past two months. One is gone forever and the other is probably leaving soon. Or not. I don't know because my mind is too cluttered and they are too hard to read. Is it any bother? Should I just let go now and move on in life to find another fleck of gold in this all too high, ordinary pile of sand in Gainesville? Timing is everything and this time I think my firing pin went off a second too soon.

posted by RPF @ 2:26 PM