Consummated Randomness

the Disadvantage of numbers

Does the root of all my problems start with myself? I know that it is very easy to blame other people for just about everything, in fact, that's mostly what I do! But when it comes to my being unhappy, I've yet to point the finger. I don't blame anyone for the arcane turmoil revolving in my head and heart, but perhaps I should. Perhaps it is time to take a step back and look at myself, point the finger at me. All through out my life I've craved attention from others, most of the time getting it. When I got to high school though, I found myself unhappy with the attention I was getting. It was not because the attention was negative or because there wasn't enough of it. I think it was more because I felt alone and different in a homogenized sub-culture. I blamed this on the immaturity of the people I went to school with. That may have been unfair of me. Maybe not. But what I failed to understand was the evident and fundamental difference between my high school buddies and myself. I was gay, and no matter how often most of us homosexuals try and tell ourselves and others that our sexual identity doesn't make us different, it does. Think about it. Our society is largely centered on sexuality. Everywhere you turn there are expressions of sex and sexual identity trying to influence you in one way or another. In a culture so centered on sexual identity, how do people relate to each other?
I'm not trying to say that it is impossible for me to be friends and share common interests with heterosexuals, most of my friends are indeed heterosexual girls and many of them are really close to me. But I think that there are certain aspects of my life that a heterosexual can never truly understand. I've yet to find someone who can totally relate with me. Do I feel incomplete because I don't have a group of friends who relate to me, who understand what being closeted in high school means? Who understand what its like to be a silent minority with no social cohesiveness? No matter how great one's gaydar is, it is still extremely difficult to draw homosexuals out of a crowd, unless of course they are CAMP counselors. I believe that is why gay youth and especially gay college students either flock to local gay bars or hang out in gay chatrooms if the clubs aren't their scene. Where else is it so easy to find a multitude of gay people? Finding a place where you belong is difficult, for anyone, but for those of us who are already hindered by a minority status, it becomes even more difficult. 10 to 15 to 20 % is supposed to be the number of homosexuals in the population. That doesn't seem so bad, seeing as blacks are a minority of 13% and hispanics 15%. But the actual percentage of people who are comfortable enough with their sexuality to identify as homosexual is closer to 6%. Suddenly we've become a tiny minority. Still, 6 out of 100 is not bad...thats 5 other people you have something in common with right? Well thats where it gets sticky...out of 6% we know that close to 50% of those are lesbians because homosexuality represents a normal population within the population. So, its safe to assume that lesbians and gays don't always have things in common because experiences can drastically differ between the two. So now we are down to 3% of people I have the potential to relate to on a extremely personal understanding. (I'm not talking about love and relationships here, just good ole friendships and support) Now, let's think of it in terms like this...if i were a heterosexual guy looking for friends, there would be many people from different walks of life that I simply did not get along with. The same goes for homosexuals. So now let's say that half of the hetero guys that I meet as a hetero are completely out of the question, does that apply to homosexuals guys too? Suddenly I've gone from between 10 and 20% to less than 1% of the total population that I have a chance of connecting with at all levels of my life.
Hence, I think I know where my sense of loneliness comes from. It's not because I don't have a boyfriend who loves me, it's because I don't have a social network of people that are just like me...I have no sense of belonging. So I try to make do with what I have and I try to find the one guy...the ONE guy who I can relate to in all aspects of life. And it is he who will probably marry me.

posted by RPF @ 2:35 PM