Consummated Randomness

Conversations with him!

A: im guessing im not going to get to see you tonite
B: probably not
A: are you leaving tomorrow?
B: yeah I think so, after class
A: alrighty then...ill be seein ya next week
A: damn you, youre just not as horny as you used to be
B: lol, not this week
A: or last week
B: it comes and goes
A: well i know it comes
B: and we don't have to be physical all the time...
A: and im learning the goes
A: no, youre right, it just seems like thats usually the only times i get to see you, unless we do lunch
B: well you're welcome to come over, but I don't wanna stay up to be physical
A: nah...i dont want to sit there while you do chemistry, he makes me jealous :-
B: I'll be done soon, I'm probably going to watch ER after it gets done taping, and then I'm going to bed
A: well, i was going to invite you to sleep over here and offer you a ride to school in the morning, but i can tell you dont want taht
B: I sleep better in my bed with my fans
A: thats usual...i sleep better in my bed with my mattress and my pillows
B: yeah, I know
A: im trying to think of something profound to say....
B: {so and so} loved your poem, we both think it is really good
A: you linked her my blog?
B: no, I emailed it to her b/c I liked it so much, I didn't think you would care, because you posted it in your blog
A: well fuck...you could have asked me to send you the actual formatted file
B: well then send it to me, so i'll haveit
A: lol, ok, I just hope my teach thinks its worthy, but i have a feeling its going to come back with half of it scratched out. my blog title is the actual title of the poem
B: got a question for you
A: shoot
B: ok, honestly (I want to know, it won't freak me out or offend me either way)... how much of "me" is in the poem? it's ok if none, it's ok if a lot
A: lol, the answer to your question is complex: poetry brings to the table different things for each reader, or should i say, each reader brings to the table different things when reading a poem so they tend to interpret it in their own personal ways...now knowing that, you also know because Ive told you this before, that my poetry is part of me, im living in each and every one that i write and my current moods go into them....so, and here's your answer, YOU actually arent in the poem, but thoughts about you and certain feelings towards you can most likely be found in there, since for the last month and a half or so, you have consumed my head
A: wow...that was long
B: yeah, I know, ok, cool, just wonderin'
A: does that mean anything to you, can i win you over with poetry?
B: no, probably not...but I enjoyed reading the poem. I await the next, if it is any good
A: i just cant win you over huh?
B: nothing that you can do, I'm the driver here
A: i dont drive, i just let people run all over me
A: ive written considerably more poems in teh last month or so than i usually do
B: you just lay your emotions on the table
B: why?
A: i lay my emotions on the table because thats the world ive come to know, and its the best thing i know how to do
B: i know, i've heard it before
A: you might be able to understand, or you might not, but that closet i left behind almost killed me, and ive written a lot of poems because ive had time, im taking a class that inspires me to actually pick up poetry and read it every once in awhile, and because im alone again and i write when im lonely
B: I don't understand, I try to empathize though
A: ive never really thought about suicide, but the closet almost killed my soul
B: I just don't see it that way
A: you see the closet as protection
A: i see it as oppression
B: no, I don't need protection
A: well its okay, i donthardly know you so i wouldnt know what you feel about the closet
B: well I don't think it's a place to be, but sometimes it can be a place to get away from chaos, if that makes any sense
A: i guess it depends on the individual and what they see as chaotic and what they choose to run from
B: life not under your control: chaos
A: i just got sick of running...: and its left me fragile and I need someone to love me tenderly and take care of me
B: you need a lot.
A: god...thats so cliche.......oh...so now it comes out, im too needy huh?
B: among other things
A: among other things? im too needy...overbearing...wreckless...annoying...?
B: you're just a little this and a little that...
A: and im not self bashing here
B: I know, I didn't say anything
A: im just curious to know what you really think of me
B: I'm not comfortable telling you exactly what I think of you.
A: whys that?
B: b/c a lot of what I think, when not kept to myself inflicts a lot of pain and suffering upon the receiver.
A: well guess what, id rather just be hurt up front, than have it hidden to only come out later
B: no, the things I think stay here...or at least most of them
A: sounds to me like you got a lotta negative things to say abou tme
B: no, I have negative things to say about everyone
A: naturally...who doesnt
B: but mine are usually real mean
A: for me though...if my negative thoughts have any real substance i usually let the person know in a nonconfrontational manner
A: youre just cold
B: I know I'm cold, sometimes heartless, always negative...and just plain mean.
A: thats not what i siad
B: but that part of me usually stays under who I normally am
A: geez...if youre being serious than you need to be mentally checked out
B: no, we're ok....... jk
A: well i have a question.... is who you normally are, just a facade to cover up that coldness? or is the coldness just an alter-ego?
B: no, it just keeps everything that I am thinking from coming out with no tact. but I do tend to put up a facade for protection, not as much as I used to
A: i knew that. Im really curious to know what you think of me though, id like to think im worthy enough, maybe thats just a misconception
B: I think you have a lot of positive attributes
A: look kid...i dont want a sugar coat....im not worried about you hurting my feelings. i wanna know what bugs the hell out of you
B: but I know it's not just you...I do this with everyone... pick out all of the negatives
A: and what you dont like about me
B: I have to admit I am always looking for something better.
A: its natural thought processes, everyone does it
B: no matter who and what I am doing.
A: well, i do too, a lot of people do
B: I think I do it worse than most though
A: thats why you have the trick sn
B: it's a sort of I'm better than you attitude...and I take it all too often
A: thats because your too vain. im vain, but you definitely beat me in that one
B: it goes past the physical
A: and thats why around you i feel insecure
A: but youre not telling me the things you dont like about me
B: no, I'm telling you my negatives.
A: youre telling me reasons why i should not like you
B: yeah, and I don't get why you still do.
A: this is just going to sound extremely cliche, but i have hope i believe strongly in hope, and also, i believe strongly in love and i think love can bring out the best in people
B: yes it can, it's just... I still see the bad things... I hope it's because I haven't found that one
A: i think that some people...often those who act like they are the least needy of it, need love more than anything...and they need someone to show them how to love
A: well, i dont know true love: but im thinking that no matter what, you are still going to see bad things....its molded into your processes, youve been raised as we all have to think like that
B: I think I do it more than most, I'm more of an elitist. and it doesn't help that, most of what I do and try...I not only succeed at it, I usually do great in: I'm not ok with being second best ever
A: yah..cept for emotions
A: you suck at that
B: I just haven't opened up
A: well guess what? if you arent ok with second best than you need to stop looking for something better because youll never be happier with someone better
B: I think when I find it, it'll be the only time it's ok, and then, I'll know... that they're the one
A: and if that is how you truly think, then you are one of those who Nietzsche was talking about in his cause of altruism theories
B: or at least that is how I hope it will be
A: well then im just going to completely detach now cause i now know i have no chance in hell with you
B: see why I didn't wanna tell you any of this?
A: i thought you were talking bout things with me not about yourself. i could handle the negative things about me
B: no I don't think you could: or maybe... but it all comes back to me in the end.
A: im a whole lot stronger than ive made out to be with you so far
A: you may think im an easy book to read but there is a lot more to me than what youve seen
B: I don't think you're an easy book to read. I just am a great reader. I see the simplicity in the complex
A: and while we are on the subject, i know ill have found THE ONE when ive found him and he will know everything about me because i will have been able to tell him everything and he'll understand me
A:well if you understand that there is more to me than youve been able to read, than you might be a great reader
B: there's always more to be read...people change all the time
A: not changing...ive tried to open up completely with you, but i havent been able to yet
B: and no matter how much you know someone, they can always suprise you
A: for obvious reason: i cant give everything knowing that im not getting anything back
B: I know..
A: but trust me...even after what youve told me tonite, id be willing to try and give everything
B: but why ?
A: because i know how quick philosophies crumble and i know that sometimes life just aint what you thought it was
B: you're entirely too optimistic about love
A: no...this has nothing to do with love: this is personal experience, you wouldnt believe the shit i used to think. wehn i started dating {so and so}, i KNEW i could do better....
B: but it failed...
A: but...then things changed: suddenly i didnt think anyone was better
A: the reason our relationship didnt work out was because we didnt mesh properly
A: Ive also learned that unless you give love a chance, youll never find it, because love comes in no certain shape or form....all it requires is some level of sexual attraction to start its run, then all it depends on is whether or not your lives can coexist
A: that is love: love isnt out there waiting in a perfectly wrapped gift box
B: I guess... I can only stay so open.
B: otherwise, I would just end most things after the first night
A: im not following
B: I stay open, as much as I can... I don't close up real quick, if that makes sense... I give things a chance, if I didn't I would just hook up with people and then move along to the next brightest thing in the road
A: okay, well, has the lid closed on me?
B: no. but it also hasn't kept me from looking around
A: i wouldnt expect it to, i havent stopped either, but ive exhausted my resources. im not out there looking for a one niter, i have someone to blow. so right now, im just talking with people who i think i might be interested in, but im one picky bastard and most dont get past the second or third conversation
B: there's a lot of bad out there...unfortunately
A: so anyways...i do want to hear the bad things about me
B: not tonight. I'm too tired
A: well, i knoow of a few people i would hook up with, but intellectually they just dont have it and im not looking for just the physical, i wouldve never invited you over that nite if i hadn't noticed a mental spark that intrigued me: lol...im still debating on whether or not the invitation was a mistake
B: ?
A: okay...youre not talking much now, is there a cute possibility distracting you?
B: 3: lol
A: geez: where do you find these guys?
B: they find me sometimes...
A: yah...its cause of that damn profile pic
A: on gay.com, they are looking for nookie: skin shot = easy
B: nope: means, I'm available, or, you think you can have this?
B: I may be many things, but I am certainly not easy
A: well...like i siad...they are looking for nookie
B: isn't everyone in the short run? honestly
A: i guess if they are guys
B: long term, different people want different things
B: girls too...
B: seriously
A: i dont know man
B: most anyways, there are those freaks that don't ever want any: can't imagine the amount of masturbating they do
A: i know that we arent a couple or anything but i feel really uneasy when i think about this shit
B: about what?
A: nm
B: I'm not just out there looking to hook up if that is what you are thinking, I'm looking for many things. I haven't met a bunch of people since I moved to Gainesville and most people at school are boring
A: most people are boring, it isnt any different online
B: well... I know: but it is easier to talk online most of the time
A: this is part of the reason why im trying to pull back a little from you...this is new pain, ive never experienced before and i dont know how to cope with it
B: ?
A: i had the worst dream ever in my life last nite
B: ?
A: is your mind too buys on so and so the come up with better replys?
A: sorry...thats out of place
B: ass
B: I told you I'm a multi-tasker...
A: ah fuck: stop it: i dont want to know
B: but, you haven't said anything I have a great response to and I'm tired among other things...
A: well, to your earlier question......I really do not know why i like you sometimes it seems youre more pain than pleasure, than youre worth
B: well, I'm worth it...when I'm ready to give it all
B: but just a little bit of me...probably not worth the suffering (or torment)
A: but if you were to even give it all to me, i dont know if i could handle the little bits of you that you pass out to all these other guys
A: it makes me sick to my stomach
B: I've never cheated... when I'm ready for a monogamous relationship, only my eyes wonder. not my mind, not my penis, not anything. I don't have issues with commitment, just with who to give it to
A: i didnt imply that you would be unfaithful
B: but your nausea, comes from something
A: im not sure i could handle the waiting period
B: waiting period?
A: now: until you were to get into a relationship with me
A: if you do
B: that's why I want you to look around...get out there, you are single 8-) make the most of it
A: and thats what you dont understand: this part was plainly in my poem: and it did have part of you in it
A: it was spurred from what you just said to me...that you said a while back
B: ?
A: And I’ve heard through that same grapevine of course, to relish my unwanted singleness:to have fun while I’m not tied down, to fuck around like crazy, spoil myself!Deceptions—all of them: meant to suppress harsh feelings of emptiness__pushit back so far, you’ll be ignorant, thenyou won’t have to worry about thought or feeling, because it wont exist. Death is what Icall it: livin it up is what they call it
B: not everyone is dead when they're single...you are too needy
B: you should be able to be happy with and by yourself
A: im not needy
A: this is where youre crossing my psyches
B: you really do need: to be out, to be with someone, to be loved, to be cared for, to be cuddled...
A: i would have been happy with and by myself
B: but you aren't happy by yourself. or should I say, you are less happy
A: No, its because ive met a great guy and i cant be with him: that is why im not happy by myself right now
B: alright, I'd love to keep this conversation going... but I have to shower.. and go to bed.
A: actually youre proably more than happy to end this conversation
B: oh god, good night

posted by RPF @ 2:48 AM