Consummated Randomness

Lost sleep once again!

Today has exhausted me! And yet, I still can not sleep. Today in my poetry class we talked about the scientific models describing the possible thought processess of different people, and I apparently don't fit any of the models. My mind jumps so fast from thought to thought that I am usually amazed if I can come to more than one conclusion during the same thought sequence. So anyways, to keep things blunt, I'm lost. Ever since I broke up with Mario I really do not know what to do with myself. I'm trying to figure out my career and work towards it by taking the proper classes and I'm also trying to find love. Love is everywhere in my head. Love is like that one damn last puzzle piece that you can't seem to find anywhere and without it, everything just seems incomplete. Well, I'm that puzzle. And Im haunted by the possibility that as I get closer to completion, that one piece will be forever missing.
In the meantime, I find that I may possibly be thwarting my own attempts to secure that piece but trying to fit different pieces into its place. You see, I hate being single...I haven't done it for two years and for good reason. It leaves me with this unbearable sense of aloneness, even when I'm surrounded by those who care about me. Which leads me to believe that my entire life depends on finding that person who completes me. But singleness makes that more difficult for me. Just the fact that I'm single makes it more likely for me to pursue a relationship with someone who very obviously will not fit into the mold that my happiness requires. Just to keep me from being single. And right now, there's this guy I really like...problem is, I'm not quite sure of the motivation. I believe it to be genuine, but I can not rule out the possibility that I'm just trying to use him to fill a void. I guess that doesn't really matter though either, because he wants nothing more than just a highly beneficial friendship. I'm trying to find myself being okay with that because he truly is a great guy and I would like to keep his company. Besides what if things do happen to go in a better, more profound direction? I want to be there just to see. So I guess until then, I'm single, and I'm just going to have to learn to live with it. Because in this town, there's no telling how long it could be before the perfect fitting piece finds himself on my floor.

posted by RPF @ 1:40 AM