Consummated Randomness

Dreams last for so long...even after you're gone

Yesterday was a very painful and draining day for me. I guess it was a few days ago now that I decided that Gary and I should not be speaking to each other for a while. It was a really difficult decision to make because he's such a part of my life--rather, was such a part of my life before we broke up...and even over the summer we still talked just about every single day. In fact, up until about a week ago I was still his final call for the night, the one person he talked to right before going to bed. Now everything has changed. I could not handle things emotionally when he was around, and when we tried to hang out this past weekend I pretty much could not control myself from throwing myself at him. I was really pathetic and it made both of us uncomfortable. That was what prompted me to make the decision. I can't be so weak. I need to be stronger and I guess I've decided that the only way I can get stronger is to cut out the weakness that is Gary. Today I had lunch with him, I really don't know why or how it happened, and the weakness returned. The conversation was really strained, mostly because I was trembling inside (Gary never really says much), and everytime he looked at me with those brown, nepalese eyes my heart would just melt and I would tense up inside.

Friends have told me to just cut him out of my life for good...to not even preface our break from communication with an expectation of temporariness. I understand why they advise this, but I can not fathom the reality of it. At this moment in my life, no matter the pain, there is a large part of me that believes that one day, maybe not anytime soon, Gary and I will be back together. Is it something I sit around and wait for? No. Is it a hope to alleviate some of the immense pain and sense of loss? No.

For now, while he and I are both still in Gainesville and close to each other, if we remain apart, as I believe we will, it is going to be tough for me. Being that I have only 4 months left in Gainesville I will have to spend the entire time being near Gary as a time for healing. There are no other boys in my immediate future because there is no one around that could even begin to replace Gary, not now, not in Gainesville, and maybe not ever. Even friends are having trouble replacing the sense of companionship and closeness that I felt with Gary. Gary was my boyfriend, but first and foremost he was my best friend. A best friend that knew every single detail of my life. A best friend that I could tell anything to without fear of being judged. A best friend that had the ability to cuddle with me and not say a word and where it did not become uncomfortable. He was the most comforting, sincere, and beautiful friend/companion I have ever known. It is that reason that has made this break-up so difficult.

I was trying to watch Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind last night and I began thinking about how nice it seems that it would be to just erase the memories that cause this pain. But I don't believe I have the balls to do it. I can honestly say that the memories I share with Gary, the year and a half that I've spent with Gary, the connection that I have with Gary are the best aspects of my life to this date. No way in hell would I want to delete all of that from my brain. one day the pain will subside and I'll be left with the fondness of great memories. For now, I will live the reality that is the pain and loss, but I will constantly dream that one day Gary and I will be in each other's arms again--older, more mature, ready--and it will be the happiest moment of my life.

posted by RPF @ 10:23 AM