Consummated Randomness

Conditions for writing have arisen again

So the last year and a half has been tumultuous, manic, enlightening, educating, and, likely, damaging. I finally fell in love with someone and it enabled me to experience the highest highs of my life, as well as the most heartwrenching lows of my life. Love truly does do crazy things. Looking back and trying to think rationally of the relationship proves to be an unsurmountable feat. I don't understand why I did many of the things I did, why certain things made me so unhappy, nor why I kept getting hurt and going back for more. I've tried to sit here and, in order to help me get over it quicker, deny that I was actually in love and convince myself that I was just the same boy I was 4 years ago and just wanted a boyfriend to provide me with intimacy and closeness because I thrive on it. It isn't possible though, no matter how much I may put my mind to it. The reality is that my heart is more powerful than my mind now, and it is definitely saying that I am deeply in love. It feels soooooo real, I felt like this was the one, or a 'one', and I never imagined that it would end so lopsided. We are trying to continue and be close friends...but as the summer has gone on, and things have come up, it is seeming like that is more and more an unattainable ideal. When I broke up with mario, who I wasn't even in love with, it took me pretty much until the first month of the spring semester to be fully stable and normal again...that was like 6 months. With Gary, who I am deeply in love with, it's been a little over a month that we have been broken up...and I'm just as unstable now as I was when we broke up...I fear it could be a long while before I'm back to my normal self. I'll get a little better when I'm not stuck in my lonely hell of an existence down here in Marathon and then I'll be able to just indulge myself in my school work and research and the whole application process for graduate schools.

I'll eventually be moving away from most everyone I know...within the year I'm sure...and that is going to be really tough because I love my friends dearly, even if it's not always apparent, and I value them all greatly. Moving away and starting over is appealing when I think about my love life, if just a bit scary, but moving away is a sad thought when it comes with the reality punch of leaving everyone else behind and having to build a new support network in a place over a thousand miles from here.

I guess it's really time to start growing up :(

posted by RPF @ 8:15 PM