Consummated Randomness

Foolish and Irrational

The great mystery of life is love. As humans we learn that we are supposed to love people and fall in love with one person and live a lifelong monogamous relationship with them. But this seems very hard to do. The divorce rate is climbing through the roof, and adultery is uncontrollable, let alone measurable due to its nature. Religious zealots will argue that this is a sign that the "moral fabric" of society is deteriorating in these "secular" times. But once again I find myself asking myself...especially at this time of heartbreak and personal love problems...is monogamy meant for us? I couldn't imagine being in an open relationship with someone i'm crazy in love with...thinking about my love having sex with someone else makes every organ in my chest cavity constrict and feel dead. Yet, at those same times, when in a relationship with someone I was crazy in love with, I still found myself attracted to other guys and even at times yearning to suck some other guy's cock, or to be fucked by some guy's cock. I would never act on it of course...but why is it that we always desire something we do not have? when we can not have it? I think what is fucked up about society is that we idealize sexuality as being one with love...if we could erase hundreds of years of socialization, would it be possible for us to find our special love with someone and cherish them for the rest of our lives while also being able to have sex with someone else when we naturally desire it? And also being able to stomach the thought of our love doing the same? The trouble is, even though I acknowledge and know that monogamy is, for the most part, a social construct, I cannot extract myself from the years of socialization and have an open relationship. Even now, after being broken up, and albeit I'm still in love with him...I fucking died inside when I found out he had had sex with someone else.

So in love, I'm no expert. And even though theory might try and examine love and human relations through a rational and logical lens, I hestitate to claim that it can be done. It seems to me that Love is irrational and spans across logical boundaries. Which is why my mature life, ever since I've been dating, could never be described as rational. This is why I still pine over Gary and fool myself into believing that one day we might find ourselves back together...even though rational thought would tell me that it is over, and that once we give up on it it will eventually completely crumble...that no good will ever come of me thinking otherwise, because it just sets myself up for a longer period of suffering, waiting, hoping...only to be rejected time and time again. No, love is irrational, which is why I choose to irrationally believe that there is some force which connects Gary and me and that we are 'soulmates' who are lost right now, but will eventually come to find ourselves again, when our vision is less cloudy and distracted.

posted by RPF @ 10:37 PM