Consummated Randomness

How Do I Let Go?

So this is what it really feels like to be heartbroken... for almost two months now all I have managed to do is wake up in the morning, exercise, tan, or go to work and do mindless stuff there all day, make some good money, and then go home and sit at this computer and attempt to talk to people. Mostly I attempt to talk to gary, but then he's got more distractions in Gville and he's also not wrecked over this, but rather, fairly happy...so what ends up happening is that I message him, and he takes forever to respond, and when he does it is just short, clipped responses for the most part. Then I get all upset, and get paranoid that he is doing things that I've never liked him doing, and then I guess I start to nag him...which truly is the last thing I've ever wanted to do to him, especially now that I'm left trying to show him how truly good of a match we are. As for other people to talk to, well there's a problem there as well, because as soon as they ask me how I'm doing, or what I've been up to, I always cave in and tell them the truth. That truth is that I'm miserable, truly and utterly miserable. This is the worst I think I've ever felt in my life, and surely the lamest. Well, maybe aside from a few drastic and dramatic breakdowns I may or may not have had when I was in the closet. And back to telling them the truth...to be frank, people for the most part do not want to interrupt their normal, stable lives to delve into conversation with a man who is heartbroken and miserable. Misery may love company, but no one wants to RSVP for the cocktail party. :(

So, I know that I am in utter hell here...and I know that this is truly what heartbreak is. I may not be bedridden like some people get...but I am surely a walking zombie, completely out of character. I've lost all of the bounce in my step. I can't watch TV without thinking about 'us', I can't pay attention to my research work, which has greatly suffered this summer, I can't even read the newspaper. Hell, I can't even find much inspiration for writing some poetry or even writing these blogs. Perhaps recognizing all this will help me to overcome it sooner, who knows. All I know is that for now, Gary is unforgettable. Especially since we are trying to be friends...and I don't know how that is going to happen, or what it really means...On my behalf, a friendship with him in the near future is only going to be reliant on the fact that every moment spent talking to him, hanging out with him, anything...is a way for my troubled mind to hold out hope that one day, when he's grown up a little, we will be gettting back together. As far as his side goes...i dunno...he's refused to say that him and I will never be together (which perhaps might be the only way for me to move on in any near future) and intuitively I know that he cares a great deal about me, even when I'm unstable and can be a little crazy, but at the same time he frequently finds a way to reiterate to me that we are no longer dating, that things have changed, and must change. A small part of me holds contempt for him because it feels as though he doesn't have the balls to just rip me apart and let me go, or that he wants to keep me close as the backup option if he doesnt find anything better. And then the rest of me thinks he is just confused, and finally realized that he needs to figure out what he wants in life...and who he is, and that he needs to become more comfortable with himself without hiding underneath me...and I also think that Gary and I are match, the joining of two souls, the fated relationship of my life, the ONE...and I feel as if one day we will definitely be back together. But the tough part right now is living with the choices he has made and the waiting...the waiting is the hardest part. Because with each day that goes by, the more and more one starts to worry that perhaps he's never going to come back. Furthermore...I am not perfect, nor stable at the moment, and I can not say with honesty that I am capable of acting rationally and sanely...so what happens when I hear that he has hooked up with someone? or that he is spending a lot more time than usual with someone new? or that he is still up to his old habits? How do I handle the fact that at the moment I am not the center of his life, as I once was, as I hope to always be? How do I let go? Should I let go? How is one supposed to embrace and live through the attitudes and beliefs behind all the variations of "If you love something so much, then you need to let it go, and if it returns, then you know it is meant to be!"

I just wish it will all stop! I need to get my life back in order...I need to be able to concentrate on mind-engaging work. I need to be able to think through things consecutively for an hour or more without having to worry about thoughts of him popping up in my head, or thoughts of grief and loss, or thoughts of jealousy, or thoughts of "what am I to do now?" This is a crucial time in my life for many things...decisions I make in these next few months to a year are going to affect many critical aspects of my life for years to come. Finishing up strong in school, completing my research paper, wisely choosing among graduate schools, deciding if a PhD in poli sci is truly truly truly what I want to achieve...if conducting empirical political research is something I really want to do for the most of my career, and deciding if any of it will be worth it at all if i don't have the man of my dreams right there beside me the entire way. The man who will help me through my rough times, not cause them. Is that man Gary? That there is the question of my life at the moment. I know it seems foolish to have a boy as the focal point of my life, the point which every decision must go through, where every plan I make must accomodate that point, but this is my life, this is how I function...I cannot picture my life any other way...and trust me, if I could go about my life without having a certain boy in the center of it, I would do it anyday...because anything is easier than this. And for now, lying in bed with Gary and holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes and seeing every ounce of him truly happy and secure, is still THE most amazing feeling and experience I've ever had in my life, it is my true happiness...and my life, guarantee it now, will never amount to anything unless I find someway to experience that feeling again, either with him or with someone else who has the power to do that for me...which at this point in my life does not seem like a real chance...it's Gary, or it's nothing in my heart. If he finally realizes that what he needs to do is fully rip me apart and tell me that there is no chance for us ever again, then maybe, hopefully, there will be someone else out there that can make me feel that way again. If it comes down to it, I sure as fucking hell hope that there is more than one "soul-mate" out there for each of us...cuz if Gary gets away, I know for sure that my "soul-mate" did.

posted by RPF @ 8:36 PM