Consummated Randomness

My heart is on my sleeve...ruining my favorite shirt!

So I went to the club tonight...for the first time without gary...the first time truly being single. I have no idea what I was expecting. But what I got was a big dose of how different I am from pretty much everyone there...and also a dreaded feeling of aloneness. No one even remotely close to worthwhile hit on me, and as usual I could not dance with someone for more than a minute or so without my hips getting bored. I conclude that either I am ugly (which I doubt is the case seeing as there were a fair share of people staring at me...although they could be staring at my patheticness) or I am intimidating. For shits and giggles I am going to assume it is the latter. Now I ask myself...how am I intimidating? Once I got to thinking about it I began to realize that I don't really socialize well with gays, and that my dancing by myself may lead people to think I am full of myself. It was pretty much the same way back at the Metro when I was 18 and going there every saturday just to dance my ass off and break up the monotony that was my closeted, high-school, football, Eagle scout driven life. :( I guess it just bums me out because I have no gay friends and I have no one to really take my mind off of gary. Sure, he found it easy to take his mind off of me...but he is easily pleased and there is something about him that makes people go up to him and talk to him...I guess it is the fact that he is quiet and not very threatening or intimidating to people. I do not try to be those things...but it would seem that that is exactly how I come across.

I'm going to bed tonight very exhausted...physically and emotionally. Fuck all the boys at the club...all they ended up doing was make me think more and more about how great Gary is and how great Gary and I were together. Unlike OJ's glove...Gary and I actually fit together. But I guess that is neither here nor there. So raise your glasses! Cuz here's a toast to another pathetic night in the life of Steven...a night weighed down by the immense sadness in my heart and my inner cries for help.

posted by RPF @ 11:44 PM