I"M MELTING
OH my it is soooo hot here in Praha right now...I feel as if I'm already in Gainesville! Here I am with less than 5 whole days remaining in Praha, but it's tooo damned hot to go anywhere and do anything. It's even too hot to lay around in my room so i have to be here in the basement where it is cooler, shitting around on the computer.
It sucks that there is such a big time difference between here and Gville because that means that there is no one for me to shoot the shit with!
The Last Days
So classes here in Praha are over for me. YAY?!? I don't really know what to think of it: on the one hand, I'm missing Shrezzie and Danny horribly and CANT wait to get home to see them...on the other hand, I love Praha--everything about it and I'm going to miss it like crazy as well. How come life is never simple? I mean, I could just save a lot of money up, apply for a visa, slap a ring on Shrezzies hand and move over here for good...haha, THAT would never happen...way too many improbabilities. But back to the classes...I did better on my Czech exam than I thought I was going to, so it's quite possible that I got two As for the semester...hey whatdya know...my first straight A's in college.
Also, last night after dinner at Maly Buddha in Mala Strana, as I was waiting for my friends to go to the restroom...I ran into a kid from Bishop Kenny, happens to be a kid I used to think was cute in Geography/Geometry class (I can't remember which one)...but he isn't really too cute anymore...anyways, thats besides the point...I was just trying to mention how small of a world it is for me to be able to run into someone I know from jacksonville, 5000 miles across the world on one particular street in a very busy Praha. I mean, what are the odds?
Anyways, we are headed to Vienna in the morning and then when we get back on tuesday I'm just gonna spend my time enjoying Praha for the last few days, packing up all my stuff (gonna be so hard...I have a ton of glass to bring back, in the form of acquired mugs and glasses from restaurants and then the bottles that house all the alchohol I want to bring back), and buying the remaining gifts I need to buy.
I really don't want to go home (except for Shrezzie and Danny) because I have to return to real life when I get home and there are so many difficult tasks that need to be accomplished when I get home, not to mention that I have to start working again because I'm broke and that school starts back up. OH well, I guess vacations are vacations for a reason.
Hello? Is Anybody Out There?
I was just wondering if anyone actually reads my blog. I act as if I'm reaching an audience every time I post, even though I mostly just write for my own selfish purposes. I enjoy writing and mostly I use this as a medium for my thoughts, but being that it is online and that I have links to it in certain profiles, I guess I just assumed that people read it. Oh well, regardless of the size of my audience I will continue to update this blog and write whatever it is that I care to write about. Which today happened to be whether or not anyone actually reads my blog. And who knows what it will be tomorrow or whever I write again. Perhaps I will write tomorrow afternoon when I am extremely wasted from our graduation/program completion ceremony. There will be free beer and we all know how hilarious and illuminating my writing can be when I am drunk. Toodles!
Only two weeks left...
So this morning...monday of course...I woke up in a pretty bad mood and then added to it when I found no emails in my inbox. Groggy as always, I walked into Poli class looking pretty miserable. Class though ended up being one of the better classes of the semester and then we all decided to skip our language class and I went upstairs to try and sleep off my slump. After lunch though, I went for a Thai massage and Zuly (sp?) beat the bad mood right out of my legs, back, arms, neck and butt...I came out of that massage feeling like a whole new man. I never want to go more than a month without one of those anymore. Sadly I will because I don't know of any place in america that I can get a full hour for 600 Kc...that's 24 USD!!!!! After the massage I went with Chandler to get his tattoo, he likes it a lot and it was far cheaper here than back at home...hmm, noticing a trend? Praha is relatively cheap with everything, but in this instance, low price doesn't mean low quality! And finally around 8:30pm we walked back into the dorm and I came to the computer to check emails and such. For the rest of the night I will probably just lay around and listen to music and read. I like being lazy...especially after that massage. But come wednesday afternoon (tomorrow I have to study all day for finals) there will no longer be any laziness because if I subtract the days I'll be in Vienna...from wednesday forward, I will only have 7 days in Praha. It seems like a lot, but there are soooo many things I've yet to do while here that I want to do before leaving and dare I even mention the fact that I still have to find gifts for people....
Alas, it will be a very busy two weeks for me...and time will fly fast...then I'll be on a flight home to see my man and my pooch.
I'm going to miss Praha soooo much though
Lyrics for You
When you said tulips
I knew that you're mine
When I caught you there
Crying in the night
Wearing my jacket
Wearing that smile
I knew that I'd found you
This could be an opportunity
Were you unawares?
Did it catch you out?
Or did it break you in
Right from the start?
It's as pure as fire
It's as pure as snow
I knew that I'd found you
This could be an opportunity
If you promise to let it
If you promise to let it grow
'Cause you're the one I love
::Tulips:: by Bloc Party
A recently written Mystory
I wrote this on July 12th after having a panic attack:
It's been three years, two months, and ten days since I started dating my first boyfriend. I'm currently swept up in the complications of my sixth boyfriend-and my second longest relationship. All but one of these boys has hurt me in some way, some more drastically than the rest, but all painful at the time. At times I cried, at times I cried harder, and at the worst times I just allowed myself to wither up inside. If you asked me today if I've ever been in love - I'd answer with a No- but that I am in love right now. Is it soothing for me to write that I'm in love with # 6? At the moment - barely at all.
If I believed in tales of higher-beings controlling my menial life, then I could do nothing but assume right now that they deem me unworthy of Gary's love. But within that assumption lies my own belief that I'm not worthy of his love. All I have to do is recount these past five months and my unworthiness makes itself clear.
Only one month is really necessary to map out the destruction of our path together. April. With outside pressures on our relationship - I quickly grew tired of sacrifice, got horny, foolish, and selfish and started wishing to be out of the relationship - but at the same time, some little part of me kept me there and I now know what it was. But not then, then I just knew I didn't want to hurt Gary. This wasn't my normal compassion though - it was a compassion only reserved for the most special people in my life. Why was I so stupid as to not see all the signs? I think it is because I've never seen them before - I always said "I love you" in the past as the follower - I didn't say it out of obligation though, I truly did want to be in love at the time, but I was young and didn't understand. Much like with Gary back in April. Instead of recognizing the signs, I was young and didn't understand, and I pushed myself farther from those feelings (only mentally - my heart never stopped) and went about lying and deceiving Gary and I as best I could to prepare us for a break-up.
But then came out trip to the Keys. For the most part we didn't even bring up the fact that it would be our last week together. Aside from a few instances I'll mention later, the week went absolutely perfectly and more resembled a vacation for two very happy lovers rather than two people on the verge of breaking up. Now that I'm looking back on it for teh first time really, it is impossible to think how I ever managed to convince Gary that there was no chemistry between us; even a casual observer would have picked up on our chemistry. Which brings me to the few instances on the trip that didn't seem so bad at the time - but in retrospect they prove my unworthiness. The most blatant is the entry I decided to write on his blog about me breaking up with him in a few days while he sat there next to me. If the situation had been reversed, I'd probably be more devastated than I have been recently in lui of recent experiences. I know I broke his heart-there's no way I couldn't have.
So where does that leave me now? I'm in love for the first time ever and it just so happens to be with a boy whose heart I have ripped out and stomped on. Is it possible to overcome that tragedy? Am I setting myself up for more pain by continuing to try and hold on to him? Since that time I broke his heart and then broke up with him - both of us have fooled around with other guys, with only one major difference. My hookup immediately followed our breakup and it was pure horniness, after which I realized my mistake and tried to then make ammends with Gary. But by this time I was stuck in Jacksonville for the weeks and could only see Gary on the weekends. Even so, I thought things were going pretty well between us. But apparently he was getting closer with the first boy he ever had feelings for and the one weekend he came to Jax to see me, the romantic weekend I had been planning, I had an innate feeling that somethign was up and I coerced the confession out of him. If it had been pure horniness it would have hurt a lot less - but it literally felt like I had been pushed off of a cliff. It hurt me so much to learn that he wasn't sure about our future and actually had feelings of wanting to date the other guy again. Incidentally, that moment, while lying naked and entangled in him, the both of us fighting back painful emotions and crying, was the moment that I knew for sure what I had suspected since I hooked up with Kerry: I loved him. I was in love with him, and not being in the best situation to tell him, I choked the words out anyways and at that moment I gave him my heart. In those twently or so minutes lying with him and hurting so much - I made up my mind. I never wanted to let go of him and decided to give him my everything, opening myself up to the four or so weeks now of constant dull pain with occasional spikes of unbearableness.
And today it got so bad that I sit here and wished to myself that I could just stop loving him right now. I mean, how unlikely of a pair are we anyways? Thats most of the reason I couldn't see the signs at first - but now that I know the signs - our differences are the reasons he is so special to me. Love doesn't require a match between two people who share all the same interests - I now realize this. Instead love is like a magnetic field bringing two poles together. What is important is how you make each other feel and I feel like the most important person in the world when I look into Gary's deep eyes.
Since it became clear to me that things between Gary and I aren't so peachy - I've fallen into a slump of distrust. But not with Gary, I trust Gary with all my heart - it is I who I don't trust. I used to be a fairly optimistic person but lately I've allowed myself to think the worst and as my moods fluctuate, my intuition weakens and I can no longer turn to it for sound advice. It may sound crazy that I would ever turn to my intuition in the first place, but I assure you, my intuition is astounding and I've gone far by trusting it. But now it's failing me - perhaps intuitions and hearts aren't made to work together - instead they do nothing but confuse me and I can't come up with a consistent, clear decision on anything right now.
But I do trust Gary - despite my worried thoughts of him forgetting about me and moving on while I'm away, and there's no doubt in my mind that in his boredom and extreme loneliness in Gainesville right now that he is facebooking, myspacing, aiming, etc other gay boys as possible spotfillers. But to an extent I understand this and he's never denied it, therefore I do trust him. I also trust that if any of it went beyond innocent conversation and into more intimate conversation or more - he would tell me right away.
If I was a more kind individual to myself, I would probably feel safe in my absence from Gary right now and I'd be able to fully believe what he said to me before I left...that he'd be waiting for me when I returned. But i'm not kind to myself and this trip to Prague is being hampered by my fears.
I fear that again I am failing to see the signs. This time however, those signs don't signal love. Have these turbulent weeks since I broke his heart been an amalgamation of signs of the end? Am I holding on to last straws? And again I reiterate, is it possible to mend his broken heart and have it beat wildly for me once again?
The end-
Postscript: The inspiration for this mystory was a panic attack from a huge misunderstanding while I was stalking my boyfriend online. We have since talked about our relationship...and the misunderstanding...and life has been much better. He is waiting for my return patiently, while hating his boredom in Gville, but this fall is bringing many new experiences for both of us and I am more than excited to tackle it all while having such a beautiful boyfriend to go home to in the evenings and have by my side through everything. Despite the mistakes I have made in the past, I believe I am more mature now and I truly am giving myself to Gary completely...his company is among my most valuable things. I love you Shrezzie!
So Love Must Be My Muse
Okay so I'm writing again so soon from Prague, but it is because the weather is nasty and I've not much else to do. After class and lunch today I found myself without much reading to do because I'm pretty much caught up on school reading (and its making my head hurt anyways) and I just finished the pleasure/for class reading of Milan Kundera's novel, The Unbearable Lightness of Being which is basically a long essay on the questions of love and happiness in the guise of a somewhat tragic love-story. For those of you who have been reading this blog for many months you know that the subject of many a post has been love...whether it be love for a boy, illusions of love, or overall questions of love. I'm obsessed with love...I love love. I'm a romantic sap at heart and I am most definitely on the search for the man I can love unconditionally for the rest of my life. If I found him, I would give up everything for him. Which is basically the overall point of Kundera's novel...and I quote "Nor had she ever asked herself the questions that plague human couples: Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Does he love me more than I love him? Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company." Reading this really brought me down to earth because I often find myself in situations where I worry myself crazy over questioning the love...whether it is requited or real...without every really thinking that it put undue stress on the love instead. In our human mind we tend to love and then forget when that love has ended, especially if it was upsetting. For instance, I did love Mario, I wasn't in love with him, or at least I have since convinced myself that I wasn't; due to the power of the mind I can not differentiate between what was reality or what I have created as reality in the aftermath of the relationship. Mostly I guess it is not important whether I was in love with him or whatnot, what is important is to live every single moment, within the moment even though some will be tragically sad and others manically happy. It is not pertinent to question whether or not you're in love with someone at the moment, if you tell yourself you are in love, then you are in love and you can react as thought you were in love. Right now, I am in love with Shrezzie...I've told myself I am in love and now there is nothing that will change my mind. My happiness now relies on the fact that I am in love with Shrezzie and nothing will please me more than to give him my unconditional love and selflessness and just enjoy the simple fact that I get to spend these precious moments of life with him. If things shall be different in the future, I shall try to live those moments as best I can when they come, but I shan't ruin my moments now by worrying about those future moments. Too many times in my life I have burdened myself unnecessarily by worrying about my future happiness with certain people and in doing so I neglected the opportunity to fulfill myself with the happiness that their current presence could have brought me.
And thus I have strayed way away from where I had intended this blog to go...in fact I was really just writing it while waiting for an opportunity to talk to Shrezzie (I was just wondering if I've ever referred to him by his first name in my posts?). I had originally intended to share with everyone the ambiguous joy I was experiencing by starting my work on my senior thesis today. Being that the weather is not inviting and my school work is caught up and studying ahead seems to be a punishment right now, I picked up one of the two books on gay politics that I brought with me and began to read it...mostly just for some preliminary research seeing as they are both like circa 1995 ( I know that doesn't seem like that long ago, but in the ever-changing realm of gay politics, it is!) and I also marked important parts and took a few notes on what I read. Im both really frightened and really excited to start work on it. I'm excited because I love my topic and I can't wait to finish it, but I'm really frightened because the prospect of finding a faculty mentor (when I hardly know any faculty) is not a pleasant one, nor can I really put it off for much longer because I'm not sure how long the process of completing the thesis will take. Like I've said many times before...I'm completely unprepared for my senior year of college...thesis writing, GREs (???), application to graduate programs (I don't even know where the good grad programs for gay politics are, nor what all I should be doing to prepare for them!). Ungh...I don't even want to think of all that now because it will put me in a depressed mood...and then I'm likely to start getting really depressed over missing Shrezzie and the fact that I haven't really heard from him since Tuesday (which is long for someone who craves to be with the man he loves!). And on that note, I suppose I should wrap it up.
Things just got much better!
I think it is fair to say that this past week has been the best week I have had since I left for Prague. Not necessarily due to the experiences and activities, although they were a part of it, but also due to an uplift in my mental attitude. After the classes were over for the week and we all went to La Traviata (which was beauitful despite the below par stage set) we decided to go out and have a fun night of drinking on Friday. We went to Radost FX which is a really good vegetarian restaurant with Moroccan decoration in the lounge that provides for a very relaxing atmosphere. I had this spinach burger with cous cous salad that was amazing! and then I went on to order many shots of absinth and ended up spending more money than I had at our smancy fancy dinner the night before. And with the Absinth the fun began. Having started early, Anichka and I decided we wanted to go dancing at the club downstairs and thankfully she is hot and got me in free by touting my faggotry. Once down there we danced for awhile, she got really drunk! and we met some interesting people from Australia which then led into me making out with a very cute, very straight, australian doctor boy and then Anichka stole him and was all over him the rest of the night. So that was all good and whatnot....when we got home I decided to get on the computer, thinking that maybe I could talk to Shrezzie seeing as it was like only 10pm back at home. He wasn't there so instead I ended up writing him a long IM love letter that expressed everything that I feel for him. When I woke up in the morning and checked my email he had written me a sweet little email that said he didnt really know how to respond, which was expected, but when I checked his blog I about blew up with happiness! He had put my entire letter on his blog under the title *Blush* and perhaps I'm a bit foolish, but that just made my heart swell with happiness. We have since talked more in the past few days then we have for the entire trip and its settled me a lot. I no longer worry about him being around when I get back, I'm fairly certain he will be. And I've also realized that there really isn't much time left before I go home anyways! And seeing as there is so much that will be going on in the next two and a half weeks, it's going to fly by even quicker. I'm just so excited for these next three weeks because I've got soooo much to do and then I get to top it all off with the best cherry ever...going home to the most wonderful boy I've ever known! I can't help but keep my mind racing with ideas of how to spoil the shit out of him when I get home...not just to make up for leaving him half the summer, or for the debacle at the beginning of the summer, but mostly just because I want to do special things for him because I love him so much...and I've never really wanted to do anything for any boys before, besides giving them the best time in bed! Shrezzie is going to get that alright, but also many little small dotings whenever its completely unexpected. And I can't wait until one month from now....it'll be like the 6 month anniversary which is a big deal for gay relationships, lol! I have a little something special planned...hopefully it works out.
Well I guess I kind of got off the regaling you all in the experiences of my trip thing...but you know what Bjork said, "All is full of love!" And when that happens to me, I find it hard to keep to the tasks at hand. Oh shit! I love entendres.
Okay, I suppose I should stop now...this post is getting really long.
A grab bag of information
Hey everyone! I find it a little strange that my two posts on here since living in Prague are so different from each other, in tone, content, and length. One is about my melancholy and being away from Shrezzie and the other is about 70% alcoholic liqueur and seeing this really beautiful Czech guy one night. I must confess though that those two posts aren't the only writing I've been doing while here in Prague...i've also been keeping a handwritten journal, for two reasons... 1 being that most of it is my emotional escapes when trying to deal with my heart and Shrezzie and 2 that it is not practical for me to sit here at this slow computer long enough each day to write a post. I will try, however, to keep it updated just a little over the course of the next 4 weeks...say like a post a week. As much as I enjoy writing and keeping this blog, I mustn't deny that I hope to be able to ignore it for a little while when I return from my trip...that is, I hope to be pleasantly distracted by Shrezzie and other menial business matters when I get back in August. But mostly just the Shrezzie part...I actually dread the business matters because they deal with my future and as much as I love to think about my future, I dislike the work required to set things in motion, i.e. finding a mentor who is appropriate for my thesis.
So, back to the original point of this post....It's been 18 days since I arrived in Prague and today was midterm day for my European politics class. Eh, it was like blah...i don't know how to feel about it really because it's hard to judge(take seriously) how Conor will treat the course and, like usual, I didn't prepare for the exam...i just got too tired last night. This past weekend I exhausted myself with a trip to Amsterdam...unfortunately there was miscommunication and maria and jen were not there that weekend so chandler and I found a cheap hostel and just enjoyed the legal marijuana. I can't really describe the initial euphoria of walking into a coffee shop and ordering a joint from a menu! Naturally, of the fifty or so pictures I took in Amsterdam, about half depict chandler and I or us singularly smoking/rolling joints or the little pipe we bought at Karlovy Vary. The other half were all taken on our last morning there when I was stone-cold sober...literally...I froze my ass off because we didn't stay in a hostel on saturday night, nor were we able to go clubbing all night due to our daytime activities, so we tried to doze in the park. The sunrise/morning sky was beautiful in amsterdam and thats when I snapped off most of my 'scenic' pictures. All in all, i do miss the ability to walk into the coffeeshops whenever I want, but I'm glad that I'm back in Prague....I'm not a big enough pothead to enjoy FOUR days in a row of smoking every waking minute.
For the rest of this week, if the weather lightens up as it is supposed to, I hope to get off on my own in Prague and do some exploring, introspective as well as of the city. Conor and Ingrid actually went off a little while ago to try and buy us all tickets to thursdays showing of La Traviata, at my suggestion, and I'm actually looking forward to being gay and going to the Opera. I mean, come on...where in America can you go to a 500yr old theater and watch one of the world's most famous operas for 32 dollars? NO WHERE! We were also talking about going to a fancy smancy restaurant beforehand and having a light meal and champagne. How gay, lol. I've also decided to attempt to eat at every midrange to lowpriced restaurant that my guidebook suggests...its quite a daunting task but my gut is looking forward to it, just so long as I make an attempt to walk most places i need to go around town and promise myself to pick my running routine back up when I get home.
Anyways, I have other business to attend to while I'm using the computer so I'll leave it at this for now. Na schledanou!
Absinthe and Angels
ABsinthe makes you do crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy things....like boogly ooogly oogle goo boogle doogle day blup bluuupppy bloopy boooberson dupey stupey upey.
And I saw an angel last night....so beautiful but mostly straight, he just likes to bottom, nothing else, no head, no kissy, nothing. He's pure Czech but looks like a greek god. I'm allowed to crush right? LOL
