A recently written Mystory
I wrote this on July 12th after having a panic attack:
It's been three years, two months, and ten days since I started dating my first boyfriend. I'm currently swept up in the complications of my sixth boyfriend-and my second longest relationship. All but one of these boys has hurt me in some way, some more drastically than the rest, but all painful at the time. At times I cried, at times I cried harder, and at the worst times I just allowed myself to wither up inside. If you asked me today if I've ever been in love - I'd answer with a No- but that I am in love right now. Is it soothing for me to write that I'm in love with # 6? At the moment - barely at all.
If I believed in tales of higher-beings controlling my menial life, then I could do nothing but assume right now that they deem me unworthy of Gary's love. But within that assumption lies my own belief that I'm not worthy of his love. All I have to do is recount these past five months and my unworthiness makes itself clear.
Only one month is really necessary to map out the destruction of our path together. April. With outside pressures on our relationship - I quickly grew tired of sacrifice, got horny, foolish, and selfish and started wishing to be out of the relationship - but at the same time, some little part of me kept me there and I now know what it was. But not then, then I just knew I didn't want to hurt Gary. This wasn't my normal compassion though - it was a compassion only reserved for the most special people in my life. Why was I so stupid as to not see all the signs? I think it is because I've never seen them before - I always said "I love you" in the past as the follower - I didn't say it out of obligation though, I truly did want to be in love at the time, but I was young and didn't understand. Much like with Gary back in April. Instead of recognizing the signs, I was young and didn't understand, and I pushed myself farther from those feelings (only mentally - my heart never stopped) and went about lying and deceiving Gary and I as best I could to prepare us for a break-up.
But then came out trip to the Keys. For the most part we didn't even bring up the fact that it would be our last week together. Aside from a few instances I'll mention later, the week went absolutely perfectly and more resembled a vacation for two very happy lovers rather than two people on the verge of breaking up. Now that I'm looking back on it for teh first time really, it is impossible to think how I ever managed to convince Gary that there was no chemistry between us; even a casual observer would have picked up on our chemistry. Which brings me to the few instances on the trip that didn't seem so bad at the time - but in retrospect they prove my unworthiness. The most blatant is the entry I decided to write on his blog about me breaking up with him in a few days while he sat there next to me. If the situation had been reversed, I'd probably be more devastated than I have been recently in lui of recent experiences. I know I broke his heart-there's no way I couldn't have.
So where does that leave me now? I'm in love for the first time ever and it just so happens to be with a boy whose heart I have ripped out and stomped on. Is it possible to overcome that tragedy? Am I setting myself up for more pain by continuing to try and hold on to him? Since that time I broke his heart and then broke up with him - both of us have fooled around with other guys, with only one major difference. My hookup immediately followed our breakup and it was pure horniness, after which I realized my mistake and tried to then make ammends with Gary. But by this time I was stuck in Jacksonville for the weeks and could only see Gary on the weekends. Even so, I thought things were going pretty well between us. But apparently he was getting closer with the first boy he ever had feelings for and the one weekend he came to Jax to see me, the romantic weekend I had been planning, I had an innate feeling that somethign was up and I coerced the confession out of him. If it had been pure horniness it would have hurt a lot less - but it literally felt like I had been pushed off of a cliff. It hurt me so much to learn that he wasn't sure about our future and actually had feelings of wanting to date the other guy again. Incidentally, that moment, while lying naked and entangled in him, the both of us fighting back painful emotions and crying, was the moment that I knew for sure what I had suspected since I hooked up with Kerry: I loved him. I was in love with him, and not being in the best situation to tell him, I choked the words out anyways and at that moment I gave him my heart. In those twently or so minutes lying with him and hurting so much - I made up my mind. I never wanted to let go of him and decided to give him my everything, opening myself up to the four or so weeks now of constant dull pain with occasional spikes of unbearableness.
And today it got so bad that I sit here and wished to myself that I could just stop loving him right now. I mean, how unlikely of a pair are we anyways? Thats most of the reason I couldn't see the signs at first - but now that I know the signs - our differences are the reasons he is so special to me. Love doesn't require a match between two people who share all the same interests - I now realize this. Instead love is like a magnetic field bringing two poles together. What is important is how you make each other feel and I feel like the most important person in the world when I look into Gary's deep eyes.
Since it became clear to me that things between Gary and I aren't so peachy - I've fallen into a slump of distrust. But not with Gary, I trust Gary with all my heart - it is I who I don't trust. I used to be a fairly optimistic person but lately I've allowed myself to think the worst and as my moods fluctuate, my intuition weakens and I can no longer turn to it for sound advice. It may sound crazy that I would ever turn to my intuition in the first place, but I assure you, my intuition is astounding and I've gone far by trusting it. But now it's failing me - perhaps intuitions and hearts aren't made to work together - instead they do nothing but confuse me and I can't come up with a consistent, clear decision on anything right now.
But I do trust Gary - despite my worried thoughts of him forgetting about me and moving on while I'm away, and there's no doubt in my mind that in his boredom and extreme loneliness in Gainesville right now that he is facebooking, myspacing, aiming, etc other gay boys as possible spotfillers. But to an extent I understand this and he's never denied it, therefore I do trust him. I also trust that if any of it went beyond innocent conversation and into more intimate conversation or more - he would tell me right away.
If I was a more kind individual to myself, I would probably feel safe in my absence from Gary right now and I'd be able to fully believe what he said to me before I left...that he'd be waiting for me when I returned. But i'm not kind to myself and this trip to Prague is being hampered by my fears.
I fear that again I am failing to see the signs. This time however, those signs don't signal love. Have these turbulent weeks since I broke his heart been an amalgamation of signs of the end? Am I holding on to last straws? And again I reiterate, is it possible to mend his broken heart and have it beat wildly for me once again?
The end-
Postscript: The inspiration for this mystory was a panic attack from a huge misunderstanding while I was stalking my boyfriend online. We have since talked about our relationship...and the misunderstanding...and life has been much better. He is waiting for my return patiently, while hating his boredom in Gville, but this fall is bringing many new experiences for both of us and I am more than excited to tackle it all while having such a beautiful boyfriend to go home to in the evenings and have by my side through everything. Despite the mistakes I have made in the past, I believe I am more mature now and I truly am giving myself to Gary completely...his company is among my most valuable things. I love you Shrezzie!
posted by RPF @ 1:03 PM
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