Consummated Randomness

So Love Must Be My Muse

Okay so I'm writing again so soon from Prague, but it is because the weather is nasty and I've not much else to do. After class and lunch today I found myself without much reading to do because I'm pretty much caught up on school reading (and its making my head hurt anyways) and I just finished the pleasure/for class reading of Milan Kundera's novel, The Unbearable Lightness of Being which is basically a long essay on the questions of love and happiness in the guise of a somewhat tragic love-story. For those of you who have been reading this blog for many months you know that the subject of many a post has been love...whether it be love for a boy, illusions of love, or overall questions of love. I'm obsessed with love...I love love. I'm a romantic sap at heart and I am most definitely on the search for the man I can love unconditionally for the rest of my life. If I found him, I would give up everything for him. Which is basically the overall point of Kundera's novel...and I quote "Nor had she ever asked herself the questions that plague human couples: Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Does he love me more than I love him? Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company." Reading this really brought me down to earth because I often find myself in situations where I worry myself crazy over questioning the love...whether it is requited or real...without every really thinking that it put undue stress on the love instead. In our human mind we tend to love and then forget when that love has ended, especially if it was upsetting. For instance, I did love Mario, I wasn't in love with him, or at least I have since convinced myself that I wasn't; due to the power of the mind I can not differentiate between what was reality or what I have created as reality in the aftermath of the relationship. Mostly I guess it is not important whether I was in love with him or whatnot, what is important is to live every single moment, within the moment even though some will be tragically sad and others manically happy. It is not pertinent to question whether or not you're in love with someone at the moment, if you tell yourself you are in love, then you are in love and you can react as thought you were in love. Right now, I am in love with Shrezzie...I've told myself I am in love and now there is nothing that will change my mind. My happiness now relies on the fact that I am in love with Shrezzie and nothing will please me more than to give him my unconditional love and selflessness and just enjoy the simple fact that I get to spend these precious moments of life with him. If things shall be different in the future, I shall try to live those moments as best I can when they come, but I shan't ruin my moments now by worrying about those future moments. Too many times in my life I have burdened myself unnecessarily by worrying about my future happiness with certain people and in doing so I neglected the opportunity to fulfill myself with the happiness that their current presence could have brought me.

And thus I have strayed way away from where I had intended this blog to go...in fact I was really just writing it while waiting for an opportunity to talk to Shrezzie (I was just wondering if I've ever referred to him by his first name in my posts?). I had originally intended to share with everyone the ambiguous joy I was experiencing by starting my work on my senior thesis today. Being that the weather is not inviting and my school work is caught up and studying ahead seems to be a punishment right now, I picked up one of the two books on gay politics that I brought with me and began to read it...mostly just for some preliminary research seeing as they are both like circa 1995 ( I know that doesn't seem like that long ago, but in the ever-changing realm of gay politics, it is!) and I also marked important parts and took a few notes on what I read. Im both really frightened and really excited to start work on it. I'm excited because I love my topic and I can't wait to finish it, but I'm really frightened because the prospect of finding a faculty mentor (when I hardly know any faculty) is not a pleasant one, nor can I really put it off for much longer because I'm not sure how long the process of completing the thesis will take. Like I've said many times before...I'm completely unprepared for my senior year of college...thesis writing, GREs (???), application to graduate programs (I don't even know where the good grad programs for gay politics are, nor what all I should be doing to prepare for them!). Ungh...I don't even want to think of all that now because it will put me in a depressed mood...and then I'm likely to start getting really depressed over missing Shrezzie and the fact that I haven't really heard from him since Tuesday (which is long for someone who craves to be with the man he loves!). And on that note, I suppose I should wrap it up.

posted by RPF @ 6:54 AM