In Prague
So I'm here in Praha, a really beautiful city, and school started today. As a rule, I have a lot of reading in my political science class and my language class is well, um...very difficult. Czech is very hard to learn. Overall I am having a good time here, especially when I stay busy and keep my mind occupied. Alas, it is my mind that, when left to wander, is spoiling things for me. I keep being a defeatist and a pessimist and somehow let my mind convince me that Shrezzie is bored (perhaps also with me) and that he is finding 'comfortable' company while I'm away. And then eventually that comfortable company will just drive him emotionally away from me altogether. I fear that the most because, despite what has happened in our past, I cherish him. His is adorable in almost every single way, if not every single way. And despite what my mind is doing to me right now, I am comfortable with him...ultimately comfortable and I trust him...in other words, he makes me feel great and secure (except for right now when im away from him of course). Point is, I don't want to lose him.
Babe, if you're reading this, youre probably tired of hearing this knowing that you aren't at the point yet and wondering if you ever will be, I love you and I'd love to come home in August and be your man and treat you like the prince that you are....(omg, i just realized how cheesy that was when going back over it...but cheesy or not, its raw and how i feel). Muah.
Dobrou nocs. (thats goodnight) because it is midnight here and I have tons of reading left to do before class at 1030am
A start...at least
Well, this will probably be my last post here until I return from my semester abroad in Prague...I'll try to make it a good one.
With regards to my last post...the pain has gone down a lot this week and I feel better about Gary and I. However, I will be worried sick when I have down time in Prague because I will be thinking about him and who he's hanging out with. Oh well, all I can do is hope for the best.
So I leave a week from tomorrow and as of yet I don't have my stuff packed, nor do I have many of the things I will need. It looks like I'll be making plenty of trips to wal-mart and such this weekend in order to acquire the goods I'll need.
FUck fuck fuCK...my sister just came home with a bunch of people and I lost my concentration...perhaps I'll write some in the keys before I depart. There's lots of stuff that has been on my mind lately and I want to write it down.
Infidelity...a stealthy plague
So yeah...things with Shrezzie got bad this weekend and now I feel like a wreck and I do not know how to deal with this. He sort of cheated on me but it's not really cheating because we decided to take a break...but I was just really surprised because I thought we had more than we apparently do. Whats worst is that it wasn't just horniness...it was with a guy that he thinks he likes...and it leaves me in pain, much pain. I think I'd rather him just leave me completely instead of stringing me on while he plays out his other possibilities.
I now understand somewhat the way that people just seem completely wrecked when their loved one has cheated on them. There is nothing worse than constantly questioning yourself and questioning the truthfulness and faithfulness of someone you love. Always wondering what lies they may be feeding you, or what truths they are just failing to mention...it sucks. Now everytime he tells me he's going out with a friend, there is always going to be this little part of me that worries. A part which worries about who the friend is, or if he told me the correct friend. I hate to be like that because I feel horrible myself when I have to question my loved ones...I feel like the monster for not believing them. It is a horrible way to live. I hope that one day soon I will be able to forget all of this and I believe that I will...it will either end with the end of us, or it will end with our getting back together when I get back from Prague.
And Prague...so much to do, I'm worried sick over getting it all taken care of before I go. I've apparently lost track of my ol boy scout motto because so far I am definitely not prepared...
p.s. dear you...I don't mean this to sound so harsh...it's just something I needed to say and get off my chest...pure and raw emotion. as time passes things will get better and hopefully, come august, we can make things right
unpleasant surprise
I'm hurting...
more later...
Oh my...its been too long and I have so many different things that I could talk about!
Right now my best friend Cathy is staying at my house with me because she moved out of her place and her boyfriend has left for texas as well. We thought it would be nice to see each other for a whole week seeing as we haven't made the time to see each other in like 2 or 3 months. Mostly we just sit around and do the normal stuff that I would do anyways. However, due to her being here, I am not bored and therefore I don't have the time to work on the stuff I thought I would be doing this week as a result of being bored.
As for other stuff...I think I may be falling in love...WHOA...I know I have been fatally immature when it comes to knowing if I'm in love and whatnot, but this time is...well its no different. Is love supposed to knock you out and dress up in drag to get you to notice it and announce its presence? If so then I've never been in love because love has never done that for me. It's always a mystery. All I know is that at certain times I find myself caring a lot about certain people and certain people make me feel really good and I call that love. Okay, so that wasn't very eloquent but then again is love supposed to be eloquent? or is that just how our society has constructed it to be? Perhaps I'm just afraid and a little reluctant to commit to being in love right now...I have had a rough year (if you don't believe just read this blog from the beginning and add on to the beginning of it the fact that I was recovering from a breakup of a 2yr relationship) and I want to make sure I am in love before I start letting myself get all caught up in it. I also want to make sure that whoever it is, is worth the trouble that love can be sometimes. Well don't I sound like the pessimist right there? And as far as the loveable character whom I may be falling in love with...well I have a little something special planned for him this weekend, but ssshhh, don't tell him! lol.
Also, I leave in almost two weeks for a foreign country that I have absolutely no exposure to except in gay porn films and even that is probably not real...lol...but it should be tons of fun and tons of expensiveness. Life is on hold until I get back from there...so don't expect much more of these things or often ones cause I can't be blogging when Im packing and then partying in Europe.
I wish, I wish...
Two work days left this week. Two full weeks left of work. Three full weeks from friday I will be hopping my first cross atlantic flight and heading towards Prague. Through all my bitching, the summer is flying right by...however I have been extremely exhausted this week and I wish it was friday right now. I wish it was June 24th right now because I am getting restless and I want to go do something extraordinary. I wish it was August 8th right now because I know that 6 weeks is a long time to be away from home...no matter how much you are enjoying yourself. I wish it was August 25th right now because I need to get back to school and start learning again. I wish it was the end of Fall semester right now because it's going to be a tough semester and it should be extremely satisfying when it is over. I wish it was summer of '06 right now because I hope to be back out at Philmont working all summer; I miss the mountains, the dry air, the smoking out in nature bit, the beautiful spare time for inner thought and peaceful solitude. I wish it was graduation time december '06 because by then I should have my thesis completed, graduating with highest honors, and headed to a superb grad school the following fall (maybe berkeley). I wish I had my phD...okay you get the point. I'm annoyed with this current stagnation in my life...I want to get on with the fun schooling. There is no sarcasm in that statement, whatsoever.
On another subject...I ran almost five miles tonight. I ran to the point where my legs gave out before my lungs did...which means I'm getting back into shape. My goal is to have a body similar to what it was when I graduated highschool by the time halloween comes around because I have a reallly cool idea for an outfit (I think its outrageously cool, more conservative, mainstream people might disagree). I'm gonna have to continue running everyday (I've missed a few here and there) and continue my running in Prague. Then when I get back to Gville I need to continue my running and hit up the gym...I also need to seriously adjust my eating habits...one sloppy restaurant meal per week...the rest needs to be healthy, homemade food.
Anyways, I'm being distracted on AIM and I'm headed to bed soon.
