Travelling thoughts
So, while driving back from gainesville after the best three hours of my entirely not so good weekend, I began thinking...I have let my life turn into a 40 year old lesbians life of boredom and nonspontaneity...always opting for the quiet nights stuck in my apartment with Shrezzie (which werent bad at all, but I need spontaneity and randomness everyonce in awhile). I was thinking mostly of how bad I really wanna go to the club and dance it up and be sexy...I haven't danced in soooo long and I miss it really bad. Europe is supposed to have really cool clubs with really cutting edge dance music, so hopefully I'll get my share of it while over there. But when I get back from Prague, regardless of what is going on with Shrezzie, I hope that I can balance work, school, and my own desires and succeed at all of them. One thing I think that I have been failing at miserable is staying true to myself and acting upon my intuitive thoughts and raw desires. Now obviously it wouldn't be practical nor possible to do everything that I wanted, whenever I wanted, but the big things, hopefully, I can at least try to do most times. First thing I need to do when I get back to school is make a point to hang out with all of my friends more often. It seems that a lot of my time last semester was spent with just one set of people and those are the ones I practically live with. No doubt, this was due to a matter of convenience, but fuck convenience...I can't go around doing what is convenient for just me, I'll find myself with no friends if i do that. Friendships require sacrifice and a willingness to give...if I don't try to give my time to all my friends, then surely I will lose them. Alas, it is very tough to balance it all when most of my friends are different and don't know each other. If I held a cocktail suoree(however you spell it...you know the word...it sounds like swa-ray)for all of my friends, I suspect it would seem to an observer to be some sort of polling station where everyone shows up but doesnt really know anyone else and they all seem so different. Sometimes I long for a solid group of friends who all get along great and we are always there for each other...like the Sex and the City girls. Will I ever have that? who knows...it's possible...soon enough I am going to be going to grad school and probably flying at least hundreds of miles away from most of my friends and family. That means that I'm going to have to start from near scratch and form new friendships and bonds and it is with this that the possibility of my lil Sex bunch blooms from. I'll also likely have to cope with either a long distance relationship...that is, if I find the love of my life before I head off to grad school...or being lonely and waiting for the love of my life to come dancing and crooning across my path. One thing is for sure though...whatever I do in life, I must always remember to be fabulous while I'm doing it and to stay true to myself.....no fucking worrying about what other people think. Do what I want, and find the friends who appreciate that. I also have to make sure those friends help me out and make sure I don't get too self-involved...because we all know what a pisces can do when left to their own capacitations for too long. I can't really practically live in a peter pan-esque Neverland so I need to make sure and surround myself with non-piscean friends who will steer me and give my dreams and energy direction.
PS. I'm itching extremely bad for my tattoo right now but I don't think I can spare the money before Prague...[sad face]
write again soon, promise ;)
I just want to say...
I believe it has been a week or so since I last wrote and I am beginning to suffer from withdraw. In light of this information, I decided it would be a superb utilization of time if I were to write while sitting on the porcelain throne rather than my usual time-passing reading.
In summary of this past week it is important to point out that many of my mental "conditions" flared up. Chronic Neediness aka Whinium bitchium led me to drive out to Gainesville on saturday afternoon while severe thunderstorm warnings had been issued (and proven to be accurate) in order to be satiated by Shrezzie. Next up is my klepto-itis aka my life isn't fascinating enough to keep me from the thrill of walking through wal-mart senso-matics with jacked goods in my manpurse. Items acquired include beard trimmers (not used for my beard of course), ultra-light and super compact backpacker's sleeping mattress, over-priced Nalgenes, and over-priced D&G cologne (which happens to smell really gay, but extraordinarily fabulous). Also, because I still have lingering effects from the moral, catholic upbringing my parents so graciously chose to bestow on me, I feel bad if I acquire objects freely too often and thus I can not always turn to petty theft to entertain myself and keep me from boredom. So open the door because here comes mental "condition" number 3 and I like to call it the Bored Hungry Syndrome. Whenever I sit around my house and have nothing to keep my mind off of food I find myself walking to the kitchen on commercials and grabbing something to eat (not necessarily junk food, nor good food for that matter...just food). I can't stop myself. It's just like having a case of pot-induced munchies...like the pringles ditty, "Once you pop, you can't stop!"
To counter the negative effects of this last "condition," I choose to act like a confused canine and run around in circles for about 30 to 45 minutes every afternoon. I figure that eventually I'll run fast enough to end up behind myself and in a position where I can criticize myself for letting my ass become so soft. And if I run that fast, I figure that soon enough my ass will get tired of the harsh criticism and run faster away from it and thus form itself back into shape.
Enough of the speculative wishing though and recounting of the activities engineered by the devilish side of my brain. Now I must tell you that I got a really strange and new haircut yesterday and I love it. So if any of you see me and think about 'ewwing' at it, you better think twice.
Ahh damn, the throne is starting to leave imprints on my ass and my stomach is calling me to order a delivery of left-over porkchops. I must go for now, but I'll say the rest of what I wanted to say the next time I decide to write about what I want to say.
Pops aint gotta worry bout me moving back in!
So tonight it became explicitly clear, through the animalistic grunts and actions of dominance, that my parents do not approve of my career choice at all. In fact, they see my four years of college as a losing investment that is sucking up their funds with no hope ever for significant ROI (or at least the kind of returns they were hoping for [which I think had something to do with being able to provide for them in their old age]). Aside from all this they keep urging me to keep my sexuality behind closed doors and, in my fathers words, "adhere to a 'don't ask, don't tell' type of policy." In their mind they feel as if I will be discriminated against and experience lots of lost opportunities because society "still hates your kind". I did try, however, to explain to them that the field of research and work I hope to enter into deals explicitly with my sexuality (or my "kind" if you will) and political activism on its behalf. I think this might have been the part that they secretly loathe, which in turn spurs their vitriole at me in the form of money matters. "Oh professors are poor and you'll never make enough to even pay off these loans you say you'll need to go to grad school and you're going to be in school for 6 more years and it just sucks up the money"...yada yada yada.
It would be nice to have some support though, seeing as I myself can be a defeatist. I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I am unique, fresh, and brilliant enough to get into a good grad school and then to get my ph.D and go on to earn tenure at a decent institution where hopefully I will enjoy living in the surrounding community. Shit, was that a run-on? How am I supposed to write a brilliant thesis with bad grammar? Nah, just kidding, I get by well enough with my grammar. Although, grammar did knock me down a few points in one of my B+ classes this semester; if my grammar was better I could have gotten the A that I should have gotten.
Anyways, as my self-concerned thoughts ramble on, I'm engaged in conversation with someone important and I'm getting tired anyways so I'll stop here and write again soon.
A bad day in lonely Jacksonville
Umm, let's see: I'm foolish, I'm bored, I'm tired all the time, I'm lost, I feel estranged from everything in Jacksonville and the rest of the world. I'm frustrated with just about everything, not limited to rising prices everywhere and wages at the same low level so I can't afford half the shit I used to be able to. Broke-ness sucks ass. I'm beginning to suffer another existential crisis making me want to go somewhere different or radically alter my current life. Luckily, Prague will give me that opportunity somewhat and it is not toooo far off.
Oh and I'm working as a plumber's helper surrounded by guys who are meagerly educated, typically close-minded and outright uncomfortable to be around. Mostly that uncomfortableness comes from my need(?) to shut myself back in the closet and live a lie again...I haven't really done that since I worked at Philmont and high school. I never forgot how much I hate it and some things never change.
I don't like being the pessimist (some would call it realism) but my life truly sucks right now. On top of my existential angst and money deficiency and frustration with society is the situation of love and romantic relationships. I know very little about each. Recently my boyfriend and I, per my request, decided to take a break over the summer. At first I thought it was because we had no chemistry (or at least thats the excuse I used in order to split and go be slutty) but I must say I have to reconsider. I just don't think I was ready for a relationship when we got together and now that I don't have him I realize how much I do care about him and want to be around him. The tricky part is that I'm extremely convincing when I argue something and now I think he's got it stuck in his head that we won't work out in the long run due to lack of chemistry and he wants to continue this break to see if something better comes along. (It may not be quite like that from his side, but from my p.o.v. it is close enough to get the message across.) (And that message being that I probably fucked myself on this relationship, but then again, fucking myself is no new phenomenon.) Anywho, I don't know the extent of my feelings for him yet and I'm not ready to let go of him but I'm afraid I no longer can make that decision and the 6 weeks I'm gone in Prague will probably seal the end for good. Sad but realistic.
I think that should be enough of depressing reality for now. I myself can't handle writing anymore of it tonight. I'll try to pay more attention to my writing in the coming up weeks.
Masturbatingly good summer!
Alas, I'm now in jacksonville for the first half of summer and today I started my ridiculously horrific job of being a plumber's helper. I could think of worse ways to make 9 bucks an hour though. AND I really need the money, and fast. As far as what I do in my afternoons...I'm not sure...I've thought about meeting up with old friends and even running a lot (I need to get back into shape, and more so, I want to get buff again and be hot beautiful like I think I used to be...this is also because of the fabulous halloween outfit I am thinking about wearing...it's going to involve me being shirtless and I don't want this flab hanging around). So, like most summers, i think this half of the summer is going to consist of lots of working (hopefully) and lots of masturbating because lets face it...I'm stuck in a horribly boring town named Jacksonville and living under the roof of my parents.
Also, I find myself single again...not really wanting to be, but the way this summer has panned out, it is probably the best thing. Gary was a great guy and will make someone a splendid boyfriend, but he and I, well I just don't think things would have lasted permanently. We were too different. But he was great, and hopefully we will continue to be good friends. For now, I'm just going to get through summer 1 and then work on having a blast during summer 2 hosted in Prague.
I should think that's all for now folks...I'm getting antsy sitting here in my parents kitchen. I think I shall move to a more secluded place to engage in activities prior listed! ;)
Hope everyone is having a fun summer so far!
Bummerrrrrrrrrr
::SADNESS:: I got robbed on my grades. Poopie. That's all I can think of for now.
