Consummated Randomness

A bad day in lonely Jacksonville

Umm, let's see: I'm foolish, I'm bored, I'm tired all the time, I'm lost, I feel estranged from everything in Jacksonville and the rest of the world. I'm frustrated with just about everything, not limited to rising prices everywhere and wages at the same low level so I can't afford half the shit I used to be able to. Broke-ness sucks ass. I'm beginning to suffer another existential crisis making me want to go somewhere different or radically alter my current life. Luckily, Prague will give me that opportunity somewhat and it is not toooo far off.

Oh and I'm working as a plumber's helper surrounded by guys who are meagerly educated, typically close-minded and outright uncomfortable to be around. Mostly that uncomfortableness comes from my need(?) to shut myself back in the closet and live a lie again...I haven't really done that since I worked at Philmont and high school. I never forgot how much I hate it and some things never change.

I don't like being the pessimist (some would call it realism) but my life truly sucks right now. On top of my existential angst and money deficiency and frustration with society is the situation of love and romantic relationships. I know very little about each. Recently my boyfriend and I, per my request, decided to take a break over the summer. At first I thought it was because we had no chemistry (or at least thats the excuse I used in order to split and go be slutty) but I must say I have to reconsider. I just don't think I was ready for a relationship when we got together and now that I don't have him I realize how much I do care about him and want to be around him. The tricky part is that I'm extremely convincing when I argue something and now I think he's got it stuck in his head that we won't work out in the long run due to lack of chemistry and he wants to continue this break to see if something better comes along. (It may not be quite like that from his side, but from my p.o.v. it is close enough to get the message across.) (And that message being that I probably fucked myself on this relationship, but then again, fucking myself is no new phenomenon.) Anywho, I don't know the extent of my feelings for him yet and I'm not ready to let go of him but I'm afraid I no longer can make that decision and the 6 weeks I'm gone in Prague will probably seal the end for good. Sad but realistic.

I think that should be enough of depressing reality for now. I myself can't handle writing anymore of it tonight. I'll try to pay more attention to my writing in the coming up weeks.

posted by RPF @ 7:03 PM