Consummated Randomness

Christmas Cheer?

For starters, I'm happy to finally be at home with my family rather than being stuck in an empty apartment in Gainesville working in retail. And that job in retail is largely to blame for the current mood I'm in...a non-Christmas mood. Don't get me wrong, I have many things to be grateful for on this day, and you can bet I never forget that; but it's just too hard to ignore the fact that I'm not full of warm tidings and good cheer. In many ways, the final days of this year will signify the end of a really tumultuous time in my life. That time being this past semester(remember...college students mark periods of time by school semesters). And recently, I just experienced a really dramatic emotional rollercoaster which is bound to keep thrilling me and scaring me all at the same time over the next...who knows...days, weeks, months? The conductor of this rollercoaster is going to be embarking on a six month voyage to the old world two days from now. Until today that fact really hadn't sunk in to the point where I fully understood the ramifications, nor thought of it in a way in which it was personal. I guess it was just regarded as being unreal, which is fitting because that's how I would describe my experiences with him...unreal. But that last unreal is used in the way in which it describes euphoric feelings of fabled experiences(the too good to be true...or, the you're living in a dream world cliches). Not that anything about our relationship was/is cliche...but my feelings about the situation rival the extravagance of a Moulin Rouge cliche. Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked here...So I was saying it hadn't really hit me...until today when I was here at my parents house surrounded by all the good cheer bubbling up through everyone's veins, especially my sister's when her girlfriend stopped by to see her. I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking about how I used to look forward to going to a 10:40am class just so I could then go over to the library and see him while he worked, and when I would go to my afternoon class on a day that I wasn't feeling good just so I could smile at the sight of him, and how I once spent 6 hours talking with him non-stop before we both realized what we had done and the fact that it was 6am, and how, from the first time I ever looked into his eyes--I had butterflies and still do everytime I pick up the phone to call him and everytime I look at my caller ID and see that it is him calling me. That is when it all hit me...like a heavyweight's punch in the nuts...I may never get the chance to look into those eyes again. (Or at least in the way that I would look in them right now if he were here in this room with me.) The most perplexing thought about this whole situation is that I'm not that concerned with the fact that I will not see him but for maybe a week in the next six months. I seem to be more caught up over the fact that anything can happen in those six months and our timing may once again lay waste to chance of anything happening between us on more than a friendship level in the future. Let it be noted however, that not seeing him for six months, regardless of what level of intimacy any relationship between us would hold, is still going to suck. Perhaps that bottle of tequila my mother gave me for Christmas was not just a random gift after all...(everything happens for a reason--right?). So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight(you lucky ones, at least.)

posted by RPF @ 11:19 PM