Christmas Cheer?
For starters, I'm happy to finally be at home with my family rather than being stuck in an empty apartment in Gainesville working in retail. And that job in retail is largely to blame for the current mood I'm in...a non-Christmas mood. Don't get me wrong, I have many things to be grateful for on this day, and you can bet I never forget that; but it's just too hard to ignore the fact that I'm not full of warm tidings and good cheer. In many ways, the final days of this year will signify the end of a really tumultuous time in my life. That time being this past semester(remember...college students mark periods of time by school semesters). And recently, I just experienced a really dramatic emotional rollercoaster which is bound to keep thrilling me and scaring me all at the same time over the next...who knows...days, weeks, months? The conductor of this rollercoaster is going to be embarking on a six month voyage to the old world two days from now. Until today that fact really hadn't sunk in to the point where I fully understood the ramifications, nor thought of it in a way in which it was personal. I guess it was just regarded as being unreal, which is fitting because that's how I would describe my experiences with him...unreal. But that last unreal is used in the way in which it describes euphoric feelings of fabled experiences(the too good to be true...or, the you're living in a dream world cliches). Not that anything about our relationship was/is cliche...but my feelings about the situation rival the extravagance of a Moulin Rouge cliche. Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked here...So I was saying it hadn't really hit me...until today when I was here at my parents house surrounded by all the good cheer bubbling up through everyone's veins, especially my sister's when her girlfriend stopped by to see her. I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking about how I used to look forward to going to a 10:40am class just so I could then go over to the library and see him while he worked, and when I would go to my afternoon class on a day that I wasn't feeling good just so I could smile at the sight of him, and how I once spent 6 hours talking with him non-stop before we both realized what we had done and the fact that it was 6am, and how, from the first time I ever looked into his eyes--I had butterflies and still do everytime I pick up the phone to call him and everytime I look at my caller ID and see that it is him calling me. That is when it all hit me...like a heavyweight's punch in the nuts...I may never get the chance to look into those eyes again. (Or at least in the way that I would look in them right now if he were here in this room with me.) The most perplexing thought about this whole situation is that I'm not that concerned with the fact that I will not see him but for maybe a week in the next six months. I seem to be more caught up over the fact that anything can happen in those six months and our timing may once again lay waste to chance of anything happening between us on more than a friendship level in the future. Let it be noted however, that not seeing him for six months, regardless of what level of intimacy any relationship between us would hold, is still going to suck. Perhaps that bottle of tequila my mother gave me for Christmas was not just a random gift after all...(everything happens for a reason--right?). So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight(you lucky ones, at least.)
Are we clear?
Well, just like someone else I know, I don't like to leave a depressing post up as my most recent one for too long. So here is a new one and seeing as I'm not in as bad a mood as I was yesterday, it shouldn't be depressing. I just want to cover some gaps I didn't address in yesterday's post.
I feel I left the impression that I don't love myself or that I don't have fun by myself which isn't true. I do love myself, even if I can be hard on myself at times. And for the most part, I have a good time with myself. I just prefer the company of other people. It's comforting to just have someone's presence in the room with you, or apartment with you. Even when my roomates were here and studying and we didn't talk, I was much more at ease. But alas, I'm much more at ease today then I was yesterday...I was just in a really shitty mood, and for reasons I'm not sure of. Today, however, I'm in a better mood and I did some cleaning and now I'm laying here watching TV and writing. And I don't want to go to work either, lol, which is a good sign that I'm not entirely bored. Because if I was bored I would want to go to work to break up the monotony. Anyways...now that I've cleared all that up, I want to wrap things up because I don't want to get lost in a post contemplating love and the answers to all those mysterious questions I wrote about earlier. So for now I'm just going to stop thinking and get lost in the TV screen like the majority of Americans...sitting aimlessly...rotting out my brain, leading to later life dementia.
A Beautiful Mind (Not what it seems)
Why is it that some people can sit in their apartment alone and be completely content with it, while others sit there and drive themselves insane over being lonely and bored? Humans need social interaction. Or at least I do--and when I sit here in my apartment alone, the roommates gone home, as well as friends--I get depressed. Perhaps it's part of a larger problem. That problem being the fact that I'm single and can't stand it and I'm afraid that I could end up that way for the rest of my life. So maybe it is the case that my fear of being alone in the long run is just enhanced by too many hours of self-absorbed down time. When I find myself alone for long periods of time, I don't usually run off to watch TV or movies all day long, or play video games like most people do. Instead, I sit and think. I think so much that my head starts to hurt. I out play every possible scenario or past event in my head. I obsess over romantic issues. I berate myself over self-perceived insecurities. I write about those insecurities. Basically I just go insane. The only way I've ever found to keep my head from ganging up on my heart is to just keep my head occupied by other tasks. If I can somehow find a way to keep busy or be around certain people--I never have a problem and I come off as really happy and energetic (someone people enjoy being around.) But when my mind is at rest I become a complete mess and I'm then someone no-one enjoys being around. So during this next week, I'm going to try and keep myself busy between work by cleaning the apartment and finishing decorating, completing my holiday shopping, and hopefully hanging out with that boy I like(the one I keep writing about and thinking about.) ::SIGH:: Here's to a great holiday season and a happy ass New Year with the same ass stupid President. Somebody just kick me now.
Another Blog in Love Letter Form...
December 13th: the first and last day of final exams for me. 7:30 AM is when my Stat final begins. It is now 12:15 AM and I chose not to review for the final whatsoever. Afterall, it is open book. Let's hope that is good enough to pull off an 88% so that I don't get two B's in one semester. Honestly I haven't really studied for anything since I watched the 32 lectures for my third Stat exam. I just haven't been in the mood. In fact, in the last two weeks I have watched about 8 or so movies...which is more than I've watched all semester long. And again tonite I watched another movie with the roomie. So basically my semester has been over for almost two weeks and I'm ready to move forward.
I'm pretty much back to normal now after the hell that was my life in September, October, and November. The events I dub Break-up/Rebound, Heartbreak Election, and the Bad-Timing Disappointment have all passed, with only Heartbreak Election still having a slight impact on my life. I still have bad-timing though... seeing as the boy I like(a lot)whom I have such a great time with is embarking on a fabulous semester abroad to London in like two weeks. I'm really quite happy for him and if I understand fully the way I feel about him right now, I will be waiting for him for the six months. Then hopefully, when he returns, things will work out and the timing will be better.
There are those people who tell me I'm crazy for even thinking it could happen and that I will be wasting my time waiting because they say so much can happen in six months. I guess they are correct, but I'm the optimist here, always holding out.
The Love Mystery
What is love? What is true love? Is there love at first sight? What does it feel like? How do you know? These are the questions plaguing the minds of so many people. There have been countless songs, poems, and stories dealing with the questions of love. It truly has become cliche. This blog will be cliche. But is love cliche? I have friends who don't believe in love--they don't believe that being in love can make them happy. Which brings about another question, if you aren't happy, is it love? I loved Mario--but was it a love like the love I have for my mother, my sister? I'm not sure I was in love with him; not the kind of "being in love" that I think exists. I think "being in love" grips you from within and twists your stomach in knots out of nervousness, it makes you forget about all the troubles of your life and puts a smile on your face. It's the kind of love that keeps you thinking about the person you're in love with for every moment of every day to the point where you call yourself crazy and obsessed. Is that kind of love possible at first sight? Possibly, but not likely. How long does it take to fall "in love" with someone if not at first sight? After your first date? kiss? late-night conversation? How do you know when it goes from just liking that person a lot, to being in love with that person? Does it just happen, and do you just know? How about if you try to keep yourself from falling in love, will it happen anyways? I find these questions too hard to answer from my inexperience with "being in love." Only one person has ever given me true butterflies or caused me to considered myself obsessed--and I can't tell you if it is because of love or not. Does questioning the possibility of love at such an early time cause one to look crazy? Well, for now--fuck Love--I just really, really like someone and anything more will be put on hold for 6 months.
A Mad World...
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which im dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Illogical world
Mad world
Here we are, as Americans, as humans, as democratic citizens...sitting quietly on the sideline of a political boxing match. We each cheer for our favorite side, our favorite fighter, color, party affiliation, platform. For some it's just about winning, for others it's all about me,me,me and who do I think is best for me, then for a silent plurality it's all about what is best for the world and the struggling conflicts that occur everyday over differences in culture, for our future generations who we want to bring to life on an earth that still has plenty of resources to give to them, our kids who will undoubtedly be paying off our debts and struggling to make a living, our aging parents who will be denied medicare because of lack of funding or will have to bear the expenses of their prescriptions because the government will no longer do it and will not regulate the pharmaceutical companies to keep prices reasonable, our homosexual grandchildren who have every right as anyone to fall in love and get married, our mentally disabled brother who needs special medical care and awareness, our sister struggling to provide for her three kids alone now because her husband was killed while serving his country in a war we were misled into, our neighbor who can no longer afford her medical insurance and was recently diagnosed with cancer, our daughter who (like many humans, has made mistakes) got pregnant and needs a safe abortion free of judgement because having a child will ruin her's and that child's future lives, our son who is going to have to register for the draft and put aside his own goals in life to fight in a war that we can not win.
Almost 57 million people in our country are truly compassionate and care about things that may or may not touch close to home. They had a vision and a belief that in our grand democracy every vote would be counted and a man who truly cares about the people of this country would be elected. A man who, despite his well-off background, gave his personal time and risked his life to fight for his country in another war we could not win, then came home and devoted the rest of his life to public service standing up for the people not strong enough to do it on their own. He rallied against injustices then and now, and even though he did not win election, he will still sit in the senate and make damned sure that other senators and this President will not abuse their power or their oath to do what's in the best interest of the American people.
As for the other 59 million people who voted...please, please find within your heart some compassion and keep in mind that it is not your position to judge people. Gay marriage will not be the end of the world, in fact, it will hardly affect you. Abortion has been legal for over two decades, and it's been occuring even longer than that, outlawing it will only bring us back to a third world state where girls are paying for dirty back-alley hack jobs or self-administered wire-hanger mutilations. Is it really worth the life of a mature adult to save the life of a bean? Is it your right to tell others what they can or cannot do to their body? Also, another thing, your religion is not everyone's religion and our forefathers came to this land to escape state sanctioned religion. Practice and believe what you want, but do not think that the government of this country should pander to you and your beliefs...it is the government of all American citizens, of which less than half are Christian. And for those of you who think you can relate more to Bush, look inside yourself deeply and ask yourself, do you really want someone as dumb as yourself to be running the greatest country in the world? That's a huge responsibility. And I say it's too large of one to be given to a man who can't even pronounce nuclear proliferation correctly.
Again, I go back to the opening of this blog and the lyrics of Gary Jules...
It's a Mad, Illogical World
