Murphy's Law
Oh what a day this is shaping up to be. Last night was a very poor night for me, not feeling good due to a sinus infection or whatever I found it very hard to study and spent most of my time passed out or pouring my heart out. Regardless of my heart and mind and what they are feeling right now, I found it hard to wake up this morning to continue my studying for my first test. Next came the situation of catching a bus, all this year I have left at the same time every morning and not had to worry about missing the bus. Well this morning the buses past by just before I got to the stop and then the next two buses to come by were full and just kept on driving. GREAT, here I was at 10:30am getting passed by buses and I had a test that started at 10:40am. I was late of course for the exam, but thankfully I got there before the ten minute window my professor graciously allows. And now I'm bound by Murphy's Law and I can't help but think that if so much has already gone wrong in the last 24 hours, there's surely more to come. A test of willpower and inner strength...unfortunately I don't need any more tests right now. I need a break...from everything so that I can muster the courage necessary to pursue the few things I desperately want in life right now.
The curse of Labels
How necessary are labels in our culture and life today? I've spent a good five years trying to cope with just one label in my life and at the same time I spent a good portion of my time trying to find a way to live label-free. I've found it to be impossible. As much as I hate to admit that social constructs rule our lives, it appears that in the form of labels, they truly do. We simply can not live our lives without labeling people, events, places, beliefs, ways of life, etc. I live my life observing others and looking for the symbolic interaction that occurs at every moment. I recognize labels and implications of society right away. I even try to stand against them and refuse to live my life guided by predetermined societel constructs. It seems my attempts are futile. Right now I find myself with inner conflict over the lack of a label on a relationship with someone. At times I am fine with the situation of not having a label per se put on my interactions with said person. But at other times I grieve the fact that there is an absence of the label "boyfriend" or "couple." Why is this? Well part of it is because there is a certain security found in labels...even if those are sometimes false securities. For instance, if my grievings were to force this person into labeling themself as my boyfriend or us as a couple, but their view about our situation was the same, there would be false security for me. In this situation the label is a double-edged sword. On my side, I want the label because I want the security that the label implies. It does not bother me that I might not get to see him but once a week, if he were my boyfriend, I would know that he can only see me once a week because that's all he can afford, not because that's all he wants to. But as it stands now, if I only see him once a week, I spend the rest of the week torturing myself into believing that he doesn't care to see me, nor is he thinking about me. This is my dilemna, maybe it's just me, perhaps I overanalyze everything and perhaps I'm just insecure when it comes to emotions that are left unstated. Sure, a label wouldn't mean that the emotions behind it are stated, but at least at that point they are implied. Then there is the conflict of having the time for a "boyfriend." As if it requires a certain amount of time per week to have a "boyfriend." This is all relative and depends on who your boyfriend is...at this point in my life I want to be with you (period) and if that means I only get one night a week with you, I would rather it be one night a week in the context of a labeled relationship, then leaving me in label limbo with one night a week.
In the Company of Adorableness
Last night was so close to perfect. I found myself, at times, short of breath due to the swelling of my chest, which of course is then due to the extreme happiness that I felt. I was in the company of someone who literally takes my breath away(as cliche as that sounds). The unexplainable and ever-present power that they have over me is astounding. Most people in my situation would be overcome by hesitant fears, not wanting to get hurt. I ask them, "What's the point of life and love if you aren't willing to take chances?" Entrepreneurs don't get rich by being cautious, they take risks, some pay off and some don't. If you're intelligent with your choices then overall you will be reaping the benefits of risk-taking. Frankly, I know he likes me(not how much..but at this point I don't care), last night brought light upon many things and it left me up most of the night thinking. I wasn't even tired, but what made the night a little less than perfect was that I didn't have the ability to get up and write down what I was thinking. Laying next to the unblemished exquisiteness that I find myself so drawn to, sleeping with such grace that is usually only found in olympian figure skaters, I was inspired. If I had my laptop there I would have written more than a few poems and they would probably have been nothing less than articulated beauty, because their inspiration was just that...articulated, unblemished, refined beauty.
A truly moving article
Sitting here in George A. Smathers Library on campus, nursing a wounded ego and wounded hope, I checked my email and then found myself reading articles about John Kerry and his view on homosexuals. I was actually reading articles that were recent and up to date on his current views with the whole ammendment deal and everything when I stumbled upon something much better. It's an article he wrote for the Advocate years ago regarding the Defense of Marriage Act. I encourage all of you who take enough interest in my writings to be reading this, to in fact click on the following link and read this article. Pay attention closely and realize how great of a man John Kerry really is. Truth is, before I read this article I was not very convinced of his character; I only supported him because intellectually I knew he is far better than Bush. But now, now I support the man with all my heart and I would not want another person to be the Democratic nominee. John Kerry has what it takes to bring America into the 21st century. John Kerry has what it takes to be the best and most memorable president in the grand history of this country.
I wish everyone the best!
Here's the link:
http://www.advocate.com/html/stories/914/914_kerry.asp
Fuck you Mom and Dad
A fucking D! A goddamned D. All that studying this weekend and none of if paid off. That is why I hate studying, because sometimes it just doesnt matter how much you do or do not study. I knew the material, I just can't understand the stupid ass questions the professor asks on his tests. Now I have to bust my ass beyond normality to get an A in this class. It's a good thing they call me "the finisher." Haha, anyways, I do tend to do very well towards the end of the semester, let's just hope I can do it in this class.
On another note, my poem was received well by just about everyone who has read it, friends, classmates, even the teach liked it...(a lot, I think). Just a few revisions and it'll be a masterpiece. J/K...but who knows, perhaps my voice is really becoming clear now and I'm on the road to being published. Wouldn't that be awesome. Now, if only I had some inspiration, I could write a follow up to that. Hmm...I wonder where I can find inspiration. Oh, wait, I know...but I wonder how likely it is. I've stepped back a little, just to see where things go(plus I've been busy wasting my time studying for a D) and hopefully I can win them over...but not with poetry, or so Ive heard.
So to wrap things up: Thank god(its just a phrase)for my poetry class, if it weren't for that I'd be very close to the edge right now because that test infuriated me beyond belief. Good night.
Both sides of the Analytic spectrum
Here I am, late at night as usual, writing another entry. One of the longest days of my life, as far as studying goes, has just been put behind me. I only have a few things to say though, because I'm exhausted and I've done so much writing already today. A few posts ago, I hinted at the fact that my curse of over-analyzing things leads to further depression because usually I infer that everything is bad karma or whatever. Well tonite, I got a most curious email. Nothing could be wrong with it, there is no bad message to it, no matter how you look at it. BUT...BUT, there is a possibility of a huge, happy hint. (oh, look alliteration and I wasn't even trying) Or then again, my mind could just be playing tricks on my heart again. ONLY TIME...will tell!
a quote I usually love to live by:
"Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
and Dance like no one is watching!"
Getting a clue
For the past three days my head has been rife with turmoil. Spinning reality until it seems like a convoluted world to my little naive heart. Suffering from an over-analytical mind, I sometimes very easily get carried away and avoid the obvious reasons. But sometimes the obvious reason to my mind is the most simplistic and worrisome. For the past two months I have been two to three hundred minutes over on my cell phone...so, for this month I extended my plan. Well, after a long ringless weekend, I doubt I'll even use half of my alotted minutes. What is one to think when the cell phone stops ringing? ......usually something like this....what did I do? does anyone like me anymore? does he like me? I would call someone if I liked them enough! Maybe thats it! Maybe I've been exhausted...maybe my friends and interests have no use for me anymore. These are the tricks of a worrisome mind, and these are the tricks that pull at my heart. All I ever want is to be loved, and I used to love myself, but as the days wear on, I'm falling out of love. With myself and with the world. Soon enough it will be impossible to see a difference between night or day. Already I'm headed in that direction, mind robbing me of sleep. Tossing and turning, I've tried just writing to calm my nerves and rock me to sleep. But only utter exhaustion near 5 AM has been able to knock me out. And even then, only for a few hours. Unfortunately, I think i've estranged myself and drastically hurt my chances towards a happy ending with two different people in the past two months. One is gone forever and the other is probably leaving soon. Or not. I don't know because my mind is too cluttered and they are too hard to read. Is it any bother? Should I just let go now and move on in life to find another fleck of gold in this all too high, ordinary pile of sand in Gainesville? Timing is everything and this time I think my firing pin went off a second too soon.
the Disadvantage of numbers
Does the root of all my problems start with myself? I know that it is very easy to blame other people for just about everything, in fact, that's mostly what I do! But when it comes to my being unhappy, I've yet to point the finger. I don't blame anyone for the arcane turmoil revolving in my head and heart, but perhaps I should. Perhaps it is time to take a step back and look at myself, point the finger at me. All through out my life I've craved attention from others, most of the time getting it. When I got to high school though, I found myself unhappy with the attention I was getting. It was not because the attention was negative or because there wasn't enough of it. I think it was more because I felt alone and different in a homogenized sub-culture. I blamed this on the immaturity of the people I went to school with. That may have been unfair of me. Maybe not. But what I failed to understand was the evident and fundamental difference between my high school buddies and myself. I was gay, and no matter how often most of us homosexuals try and tell ourselves and others that our sexual identity doesn't make us different, it does. Think about it. Our society is largely centered on sexuality. Everywhere you turn there are expressions of sex and sexual identity trying to influence you in one way or another. In a culture so centered on sexual identity, how do people relate to each other?
I'm not trying to say that it is impossible for me to be friends and share common interests with heterosexuals, most of my friends are indeed heterosexual girls and many of them are really close to me. But I think that there are certain aspects of my life that a heterosexual can never truly understand. I've yet to find someone who can totally relate with me. Do I feel incomplete because I don't have a group of friends who relate to me, who understand what being closeted in high school means? Who understand what its like to be a silent minority with no social cohesiveness? No matter how great one's gaydar is, it is still extremely difficult to draw homosexuals out of a crowd, unless of course they are CAMP counselors. I believe that is why gay youth and especially gay college students either flock to local gay bars or hang out in gay chatrooms if the clubs aren't their scene. Where else is it so easy to find a multitude of gay people? Finding a place where you belong is difficult, for anyone, but for those of us who are already hindered by a minority status, it becomes even more difficult. 10 to 15 to 20 % is supposed to be the number of homosexuals in the population. That doesn't seem so bad, seeing as blacks are a minority of 13% and hispanics 15%. But the actual percentage of people who are comfortable enough with their sexuality to identify as homosexual is closer to 6%. Suddenly we've become a tiny minority. Still, 6 out of 100 is not bad...thats 5 other people you have something in common with right? Well thats where it gets sticky...out of 6% we know that close to 50% of those are lesbians because homosexuality represents a normal population within the population. So, its safe to assume that lesbians and gays don't always have things in common because experiences can drastically differ between the two. So now we are down to 3% of people I have the potential to relate to on a extremely personal understanding. (I'm not talking about love and relationships here, just good ole friendships and support) Now, let's think of it in terms like this...if i were a heterosexual guy looking for friends, there would be many people from different walks of life that I simply did not get along with. The same goes for homosexuals. So now let's say that half of the hetero guys that I meet as a hetero are completely out of the question, does that apply to homosexuals guys too? Suddenly I've gone from between 10 and 20% to less than 1% of the total population that I have a chance of connecting with at all levels of my life.
Hence, I think I know where my sense of loneliness comes from. It's not because I don't have a boyfriend who loves me, it's because I don't have a social network of people that are just like me...I have no sense of belonging. So I try to make do with what I have and I try to find the one guy...the ONE guy who I can relate to in all aspects of life. And it is he who will probably marry me.
Conditions worsen
Everyday I find myself slipping into a big self-laid trap! Today was worse than usual!
I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me but I know it's not good. Why can't I just be happy?
Is that really too much to ask? I haven't had long time happiness in years. And now, I find happiness in something I can not have!
"Release me please! Bring me up from these sullen dreams and show me the Power I've yet to see, it is not need that requires me, it's something edging love."
Conversations with him!
A: im guessing im not going to get to see you tonite
B: probably not
A: are you leaving tomorrow?
B: yeah I think so, after class
A: alrighty then...ill be seein ya next week
A: damn you, youre just not as horny as you used to be
B: lol, not this week
A: or last week
B: it comes and goes
A: well i know it comes
B: and we don't have to be physical all the time...
A: and im learning the goes
A: no, youre right, it just seems like thats usually the only times i get to see you, unless we do lunch
B: well you're welcome to come over, but I don't wanna stay up to be physical
A: nah...i dont want to sit there while you do chemistry, he makes me jealous :-
B: I'll be done soon, I'm probably going to watch ER after it gets done taping, and then I'm going to bed
A: well, i was going to invite you to sleep over here and offer you a ride to school in the morning, but i can tell you dont want taht
B: I sleep better in my bed with my fans
A: thats usual...i sleep better in my bed with my mattress and my pillows
B: yeah, I know
A: im trying to think of something profound to say....
B: {so and so} loved your poem, we both think it is really good
A: you linked her my blog?
B: no, I emailed it to her b/c I liked it so much, I didn't think you would care, because you posted it in your blog
A: well fuck...you could have asked me to send you the actual formatted file
B: well then send it to me, so i'll haveit
A: lol, ok, I just hope my teach thinks its worthy, but i have a feeling its going to come back with half of it scratched out. my blog title is the actual title of the poem
B: got a question for you
A: shoot
B: ok, honestly (I want to know, it won't freak me out or offend me either way)... how much of "me" is in the poem? it's ok if none, it's ok if a lot
A: lol, the answer to your question is complex: poetry brings to the table different things for each reader, or should i say, each reader brings to the table different things when reading a poem so they tend to interpret it in their own personal ways...now knowing that, you also know because Ive told you this before, that my poetry is part of me, im living in each and every one that i write and my current moods go into them....so, and here's your answer, YOU actually arent in the poem, but thoughts about you and certain feelings towards you can most likely be found in there, since for the last month and a half or so, you have consumed my head
A: wow...that was long
B: yeah, I know, ok, cool, just wonderin'
A: does that mean anything to you, can i win you over with poetry?
B: no, probably not...but I enjoyed reading the poem. I await the next, if it is any good
A: i just cant win you over huh?
B: nothing that you can do, I'm the driver here
A: i dont drive, i just let people run all over me
A: ive written considerably more poems in teh last month or so than i usually do
B: you just lay your emotions on the table
B: why?
A: i lay my emotions on the table because thats the world ive come to know, and its the best thing i know how to do
B: i know, i've heard it before
A: you might be able to understand, or you might not, but that closet i left behind almost killed me, and ive written a lot of poems because ive had time, im taking a class that inspires me to actually pick up poetry and read it every once in awhile, and because im alone again and i write when im lonely
B: I don't understand, I try to empathize though
A: ive never really thought about suicide, but the closet almost killed my soul
B: I just don't see it that way
A: you see the closet as protection
A: i see it as oppression
B: no, I don't need protection
A: well its okay, i donthardly know you so i wouldnt know what you feel about the closet
B: well I don't think it's a place to be, but sometimes it can be a place to get away from chaos, if that makes any sense
A: i guess it depends on the individual and what they see as chaotic and what they choose to run from
B: life not under your control: chaos
A: i just got sick of running...: and its left me fragile and I need someone to love me tenderly and take care of me
B: you need a lot.
A: god...thats so cliche.......oh...so now it comes out, im too needy huh?
B: among other things
A: among other things? im too needy...overbearing...wreckless...annoying...?
B: you're just a little this and a little that...
A: and im not self bashing here
B: I know, I didn't say anything
A: im just curious to know what you really think of me
B: I'm not comfortable telling you exactly what I think of you.
A: whys that?
B: b/c a lot of what I think, when not kept to myself inflicts a lot of pain and suffering upon the receiver.
A: well guess what, id rather just be hurt up front, than have it hidden to only come out later
B: no, the things I think stay here...or at least most of them
A: sounds to me like you got a lotta negative things to say abou tme
B: no, I have negative things to say about everyone
A: naturally...who doesnt
B: but mine are usually real mean
A: for me though...if my negative thoughts have any real substance i usually let the person know in a nonconfrontational manner
A: youre just cold
B: I know I'm cold, sometimes heartless, always negative...and just plain mean.
A: thats not what i siad
B: but that part of me usually stays under who I normally am
A: geez...if youre being serious than you need to be mentally checked out
B: no, we're ok....... jk
A: well i have a question.... is who you normally are, just a facade to cover up that coldness? or is the coldness just an alter-ego?
B: no, it just keeps everything that I am thinking from coming out with no tact. but I do tend to put up a facade for protection, not as much as I used to
A: i knew that. Im really curious to know what you think of me though, id like to think im worthy enough, maybe thats just a misconception
B: I think you have a lot of positive attributes
A: look kid...i dont want a sugar coat....im not worried about you hurting my feelings. i wanna know what bugs the hell out of you
B: but I know it's not just you...I do this with everyone... pick out all of the negatives
A: and what you dont like about me
B: I have to admit I am always looking for something better.
A: its natural thought processes, everyone does it
B: no matter who and what I am doing.
A: well, i do too, a lot of people do
B: I think I do it worse than most though
A: thats why you have the trick sn
B: it's a sort of I'm better than you attitude...and I take it all too often
A: thats because your too vain. im vain, but you definitely beat me in that one
B: it goes past the physical
A: and thats why around you i feel insecure
A: but youre not telling me the things you dont like about me
B: no, I'm telling you my negatives.
A: youre telling me reasons why i should not like you
B: yeah, and I don't get why you still do.
A: this is just going to sound extremely cliche, but i have hope i believe strongly in hope, and also, i believe strongly in love and i think love can bring out the best in people
B: yes it can, it's just... I still see the bad things... I hope it's because I haven't found that one
A: i think that some people...often those who act like they are the least needy of it, need love more than anything...and they need someone to show them how to love
A: well, i dont know true love: but im thinking that no matter what, you are still going to see bad things....its molded into your processes, youve been raised as we all have to think like that
B: I think I do it more than most, I'm more of an elitist. and it doesn't help that, most of what I do and try...I not only succeed at it, I usually do great in: I'm not ok with being second best ever
A: yah..cept for emotions
A: you suck at that
B: I just haven't opened up
A: well guess what? if you arent ok with second best than you need to stop looking for something better because youll never be happier with someone better
B: I think when I find it, it'll be the only time it's ok, and then, I'll know... that they're the one
A: and if that is how you truly think, then you are one of those who Nietzsche was talking about in his cause of altruism theories
B: or at least that is how I hope it will be
A: well then im just going to completely detach now cause i now know i have no chance in hell with you
B: see why I didn't wanna tell you any of this?
A: i thought you were talking bout things with me not about yourself. i could handle the negative things about me
B: no I don't think you could: or maybe... but it all comes back to me in the end.
A: im a whole lot stronger than ive made out to be with you so far
A: you may think im an easy book to read but there is a lot more to me than what youve seen
B: I don't think you're an easy book to read. I just am a great reader. I see the simplicity in the complex
A: and while we are on the subject, i know ill have found THE ONE when ive found him and he will know everything about me because i will have been able to tell him everything and he'll understand me
A:well if you understand that there is more to me than youve been able to read, than you might be a great reader
B: there's always more to be read...people change all the time
A: not changing...ive tried to open up completely with you, but i havent been able to yet
B: and no matter how much you know someone, they can always suprise you
A: for obvious reason: i cant give everything knowing that im not getting anything back
B: I know..
A: but trust me...even after what youve told me tonite, id be willing to try and give everything
B: but why ?
A: because i know how quick philosophies crumble and i know that sometimes life just aint what you thought it was
B: you're entirely too optimistic about love
A: no...this has nothing to do with love: this is personal experience, you wouldnt believe the shit i used to think. wehn i started dating {so and so}, i KNEW i could do better....
B: but it failed...
A: but...then things changed: suddenly i didnt think anyone was better
A: the reason our relationship didnt work out was because we didnt mesh properly
A: Ive also learned that unless you give love a chance, youll never find it, because love comes in no certain shape or form....all it requires is some level of sexual attraction to start its run, then all it depends on is whether or not your lives can coexist
A: that is love: love isnt out there waiting in a perfectly wrapped gift box
B: I guess... I can only stay so open.
B: otherwise, I would just end most things after the first night
A: im not following
B: I stay open, as much as I can... I don't close up real quick, if that makes sense... I give things a chance, if I didn't I would just hook up with people and then move along to the next brightest thing in the road
A: okay, well, has the lid closed on me?
B: no. but it also hasn't kept me from looking around
A: i wouldnt expect it to, i havent stopped either, but ive exhausted my resources. im not out there looking for a one niter, i have someone to blow. so right now, im just talking with people who i think i might be interested in, but im one picky bastard and most dont get past the second or third conversation
B: there's a lot of bad out there...unfortunately
A: so anyways...i do want to hear the bad things about me
B: not tonight. I'm too tired
A: well, i knoow of a few people i would hook up with, but intellectually they just dont have it and im not looking for just the physical, i wouldve never invited you over that nite if i hadn't noticed a mental spark that intrigued me: lol...im still debating on whether or not the invitation was a mistake
B: ?
A: okay...youre not talking much now, is there a cute possibility distracting you?
B: 3: lol
A: geez: where do you find these guys?
B: they find me sometimes...
A: yah...its cause of that damn profile pic
A: on gay.com, they are looking for nookie: skin shot = easy
B: nope: means, I'm available, or, you think you can have this?
B: I may be many things, but I am certainly not easy
A: well...like i siad...they are looking for nookie
B: isn't everyone in the short run? honestly
A: i guess if they are guys
B: long term, different people want different things
B: girls too...
B: seriously
A: i dont know man
B: most anyways, there are those freaks that don't ever want any: can't imagine the amount of masturbating they do
A: i know that we arent a couple or anything but i feel really uneasy when i think about this shit
B: about what?
A: nm
B: I'm not just out there looking to hook up if that is what you are thinking, I'm looking for many things. I haven't met a bunch of people since I moved to Gainesville and most people at school are boring
A: most people are boring, it isnt any different online
B: well... I know: but it is easier to talk online most of the time
A: this is part of the reason why im trying to pull back a little from you...this is new pain, ive never experienced before and i dont know how to cope with it
B: ?
A: i had the worst dream ever in my life last nite
B: ?
A: is your mind too buys on so and so the come up with better replys?
A: sorry...thats out of place
B: ass
B: I told you I'm a multi-tasker...
A: ah fuck: stop it: i dont want to know
B: but, you haven't said anything I have a great response to and I'm tired among other things...
A: well, to your earlier question......I really do not know why i like you sometimes it seems youre more pain than pleasure, than youre worth
B: well, I'm worth it...when I'm ready to give it all
B: but just a little bit of me...probably not worth the suffering (or torment)
A: but if you were to even give it all to me, i dont know if i could handle the little bits of you that you pass out to all these other guys
A: it makes me sick to my stomach
B: I've never cheated... when I'm ready for a monogamous relationship, only my eyes wonder. not my mind, not my penis, not anything. I don't have issues with commitment, just with who to give it to
A: i didnt imply that you would be unfaithful
B: but your nausea, comes from something
A: im not sure i could handle the waiting period
B: waiting period?
A: now: until you were to get into a relationship with me
A: if you do
B: that's why I want you to look around...get out there, you are single 8-) make the most of it
A: and thats what you dont understand: this part was plainly in my poem: and it did have part of you in it
A: it was spurred from what you just said to me...that you said a while back
B: ?
A: And I’ve heard through that same grapevine of course, to relish my unwanted singleness:to have fun while I’m not tied down, to fuck around like crazy, spoil myself!Deceptions—all of them: meant to suppress harsh feelings of emptiness__pushit back so far, you’ll be ignorant, thenyou won’t have to worry about thought or feeling, because it wont exist. Death is what Icall it: livin it up is what they call it
B: not everyone is dead when they're single...you are too needy
B: you should be able to be happy with and by yourself
A: im not needy
A: this is where youre crossing my psyches
B: you really do need: to be out, to be with someone, to be loved, to be cared for, to be cuddled...
A: i would have been happy with and by myself
B: but you aren't happy by yourself. or should I say, you are less happy
A: No, its because ive met a great guy and i cant be with him: that is why im not happy by myself right now
B: alright, I'd love to keep this conversation going... but I have to shower.. and go to bed.
A: actually youre proably more than happy to end this conversation
B: oh god, good night
Lost sleep once again!
Today has exhausted me! And yet, I still can not sleep. Today in my poetry class we talked about the scientific models describing the possible thought processess of different people, and I apparently don't fit any of the models. My mind jumps so fast from thought to thought that I am usually amazed if I can come to more than one conclusion during the same thought sequence. So anyways, to keep things blunt, I'm lost. Ever since I broke up with Mario I really do not know what to do with myself. I'm trying to figure out my career and work towards it by taking the proper classes and I'm also trying to find love. Love is everywhere in my head. Love is like that one damn last puzzle piece that you can't seem to find anywhere and without it, everything just seems incomplete. Well, I'm that puzzle. And Im haunted by the possibility that as I get closer to completion, that one piece will be forever missing.
In the meantime, I find that I may possibly be thwarting my own attempts to secure that piece but trying to fit different pieces into its place. You see, I hate being single...I haven't done it for two years and for good reason. It leaves me with this unbearable sense of aloneness, even when I'm surrounded by those who care about me. Which leads me to believe that my entire life depends on finding that person who completes me. But singleness makes that more difficult for me. Just the fact that I'm single makes it more likely for me to pursue a relationship with someone who very obviously will not fit into the mold that my happiness requires. Just to keep me from being single. And right now, there's this guy I really like...problem is, I'm not quite sure of the motivation. I believe it to be genuine, but I can not rule out the possibility that I'm just trying to use him to fill a void. I guess that doesn't really matter though either, because he wants nothing more than just a highly beneficial friendship. I'm trying to find myself being okay with that because he truly is a great guy and I would like to keep his company. Besides what if things do happen to go in a better, more profound direction? I want to be there just to see. So I guess until then, I'm single, and I'm just going to have to learn to live with it. Because in this town, there's no telling how long it could be before the perfect fitting piece finds himself on my floor.
A call for action
If you don't think this election matters, or that it is the choice between two evils. You need to think again; this election will have drastic effects on everyone from young, old, black, gay, middle-class, disabled, veterans, and so on...This election is not about the war on terror, or at least it shouldn't be. After 9/11, I don't think you could find a single politician who wouldn't do everything they could to prevent another attack on US soil. NO, instead this election should be all about domestic issues, a field in which President Bush fails undeniably, which is why he has tried to make this election all about 9/11 and the war on terror...to keep our minds off of the domestic issues. A step towards Progress and Freedom in our own country and around the world is dependent on electing John Kerry as President. Who cares if he doesn't have strong convictions...the last time a Presidential decision was made based on strong convictions, over 1000 American soldiers died, and for what? A plethora of terrorist insurgents ravishing Iraq and making an attack here on US soil even more likely.
Bush is stubborn, ignorant, and is only looking out for his and his rich buddies best interests!
VOTE FOR CHANGE ON NOVEMBER 2!
Most Ridiculous Item of the day
As I was driving to get the results of my HIV test today (It was negative!) I ended up behind a van of a Bush/Cheney supporter and he had a particular bumper sticker which makes me uneasy. It read as follows:
Race, Gender, Gun Control
Tools of the Liberal to divide us!
And I thought to myself...is this guy for real?
Do we want people that ignorant to be voting for the leader of the Free World?
Let's not forget people that an [open mind is the only kind!]
MY Longest Poem yet
Can Hope Alone Sustain?
As I sat there moping in my drunken horror, it became painfully clear
that I was alone. Me! Voted most popular by my classmates but not at this hour.
Both phones have been secretly silent, why do I pay for 1000 hours? S’ok, I never really
was a fan
of those awful incessant interruptions known as, “The cell”s. Mine’s been dropped
so many times it looks like the gnarled eye-knot imperfection of an oak log. Tonight I
guess I’ll use it to score some weed!
That’s all its good for lately, really…just the outgoing calls. My incoming list is stacked
with only one name, my cousin calling from Brazil:
yah, the one causing my incestuous fantasies—absofuckinlutely gorgeous. Eyes the
color of New Mexico’s heavens on a clear summer day, crisp powder blue, and
let’s not forget
those legs, molded from Olympian clay, not even the most eloquent poet could find
words worthy enough to provide a sound image of his perfect 33” inseam, lightly
dusted by fine angelic fibers spun of gold. My mind slips suddenly to the region
….control eluding my grasp—desire—concussive lust: I cum knees buckling I’m stuck
to the floor, wiping off in leaves.
Snap back to reality…I’m numb, mind traveling fast like trippin, the trails tricking the
ominous forest scene
That forest is my life, paralleled conclusions lead me to believe this: it’s dark-I’m dark,
it’s surrounded by civilization-I’m surrounded by civilization, it’s isolated-
I’m isolated that’s why I fucked it: the closest I could get to fucking myself
and it never said
“No!” like so many of you. Except for Rain, he’s never said it, further complicating my
incestuous flirtations inching me to tip-toe society’s judging blade.
So what exactly is the meaning of Nietzsche’s Cause of altruism? does he mean to say that we
can never be truly happy as poets? as people? as lovers? for once we’ve found love
we will yearn for desperation once again? He may have been a great man, well ahead of
his time, but my desperation currently is more painful than flesh-searing bullets weaved
precariously through my sides
and to love is a good thing, but to be reciprocated is astoundingly so much more. The
Power, yet unrecognized by so many people I’ve noticed, for you can always tell
from the instant of a faint smile, those who’ve known requited love. They are
those who, had humans been grapes would be the only ones appearing ripe enough
to pluck passionately from the vine.
And I’ve heard through that same grapevine of course, to relish my unwanted singleness:
to have fun while I’m not tied down, to fuck around like crazy, spoil myself!
Deceptions—all of them: meant to suppress harsh feelings of emptiness__push
it back so far, you’ll be ignorant, then
you won’t have to worry about thought or feeling, because it wont exist. Death is what I
call it: livin it up is what they call it…the stupid meaningless drones sucking dry
the aquifer roots
of the American free world! and once again I’m alone, still numb but the trip is wearing
off…time to get that weed! Gotta keep the mind moving and the hand writing, for
it’s the sense of purpose that I need, ensuring my mind’s safety: keeping me from
breaking apart.
I stumbled back into the house, pungent odors of minced garlic and curding milk flare
up my nostrils, toxics to the brain…and for a second there I was back on Nine
talking to God in his NYC bum outfit, cardboard burning in his hair(I guess it
keeps him warm : / ). I invited him over later to smoke out with me and offered
him a bath with clean water
but before he could respond, a sharp pain jolted me back down, I was laying in a pool of
blood, red-hot iron shoved in my nose…I couldn’t see straight so I just laid there,
and when my sensory receptors healed I noticed my watch
it was 11:13, getting late…so I picked up my cell and dialed Moss, my dealer…he was
low on weed, not enough for my usual bulk; offering me shrooms instead. I was
livid, I didn’t need fucking shrooms, I got portabella, shitake, crimini,
enoki, white, maitake, oyster, and psych…how bout opium? Yes! Perfect! I can
smoke it out of my fresh blown glass.
It’s ritualistic in a way:__my obsessive use of mind-altering, attitude-adjusting illicit herbs
is merely just an appetizer filling the void until my entrée comes along, the entrée…
usually served plain on white ceramic, unembellished because in and of itself it’s
perfect, like the grain
of the Hope Diamond: flawless. And the hunger I have for him will never be satiated
until he grows up and realizes my heart is where he belongs…his eyes are mine,
his heart is mine, but his penis takes him elsewhere, that all fine, gorged, beautiful
electrifying seven inches of length.
Jumping from continent to continent delving into the pleasures of hyper-sexuality, he
fucks anything that’s hot…a true connoisseur. It’s a fine talent he has, I’ve
already been shown. He’s stolen me, jaded me forever, leaving me to wonder if
everyone he touches feels the same? Can life go on without him? To hell with
how his tricks feel…I was never a trick, I could see it in his eyes—mysteriously
I knew that once he dipped his stick in all 7 continents, he’d be back…suddenly silence is
shattered, OH shit he’s calling my cell…composure…”hello?” He sounded
somber, “I’m coming home” and I think to myself what does this imply?
already I run into a roadblock
Well I'm obviously I'm illit when in comes to the internet. I apparently can not format my poems the way that I want to when I post a blog. So, from now on when I post a poem, it is likely not to have the correct line breaks or ceasuras and what not. If you like the poem, just email me or whatever and ask for the formatted copy and I'll email it to you in an attachment.
Oh, and feel free to offer up criticism on any poem you read. I won't be upset, I know my poems aren't perfect and any little help is always appreciated!
