OMG! I didn't think life could change so much in a summer.
Well hello to all my readers out there (the few of you still reading anyways), Life for me has been really slow and really hectic over the past few weeks. Before school started this were kind of pitiful. All I would do all day is wake up next to Shrezzie, spend the day with him, twiddle our thumbs a bit, and then go to sleep with each other again that night. Then when school came nearer we started getting anxious and then we also tried to figure out our schedules together so that, if anything else, we can at least make time for the gym and a nice dinner together. So things have been going well in that area. As far as school goes...I don't really know where to start...First off, my research and methods class is going to be hard to wake up for this semester (and to stay awake for) but my afternoon class, Women in Politics, should be interesting...that is, if the bumbling sorority girls keep their mouths shut long enough for a serious discussion to take place. Plus, I'm doing my honors prep work with the teacher for that course, so I need to show enthusiasm in there. Which brings me around to the hotpoint of the day...my thesis. It turns out I am more prepared for the thesis than most students are...even though I don't have a clue to what my empirical question will be...but thats why I have a shit ton of work ahead of me this semester...independent work...work without deadlines...work that I MUST MAKE MYSELF DO! With this is mind I decided to drop a course that sounded really interesting but really benefitted me in no overwhelming way and it was just to high of a cost at this point in my career. I'm really rushing this post because I'm cooking dinner and I don't want to burn anything. Unfortunately for you all, and for me too, I won't be able to write much this semester...outside of class that is...because with my courseload and the honors prep work (including hours upon hours of reading the main literature for gay politics) and real work (still at Express...) and then keeping my heart and boyfriend happy and spending enough social time to keep from going insane, I just don't see much time leftover for my usual lengthy rants and raves and miserableness that I usually post on here. BUT I will try my damnedest to keep writing in here on a regular basis. I guess that's just life for now...and probably for the next 7 to 10 years too. YAY! I guess we will find out just how cut out I am for academia after these next two semesters.
Bliss like this?
I don't think I've ever known bliss like this! I'm so happy to be back home and with Shrezzie; despite the worrying and the shit that happened this summer, things are real good now. I've been helping him settle into his new apartment the past few days and we've done the intimate thing sooo much that I'm afraid my dick might fall off! I guess it is a good thing that he's gone to tallahassee for the next 36 hours or so...i think we both need a rest in the sexual department. That and I have to tackle the hideous mess of my apartment before school starts back up and then there is no time to clean it. I guess being in his new, clean, SPACIOUS apartment has really opened my eyes up and enabled me to see how cramped, small, and FILTHY the girls and I have let this place get. So I won't allow myself to be distracted anymore and I'm going to go back to cleaning...because that's not the only thing I need to get done while Gary is away.
Surviving
I'm back--wasting away in the keys, tired as hell, and oh so anxious to get to gville tomorrow night to see Shrezzie. I can't believe it is actually here and that I survived the six weeks away from him...at times I thought I would die. Now I suppose it's time to see if our relationship is going to survive the six weeks I was away from him.
Today is the 6th, I fly on the 7th...
Upon waking up this morning, after having slept for about 11 hours (I only slept a total of 13 hours the previous three nights) it dawned on me that this trip to Prague is actually over. Afterall, Chandler and I are the only ones from the program who are still here. It has been one hell of a trip. After starting off down a really bumpy emotional road, things picked up for me half-way through and I was able to really enjoy my last weeks here without being burden by my worried mind over Shrezzie. And even despite the worried mind in the beginning, I still managed to enjoy myself then too. Karlovy Vary was awesome, except for my bad dream which turned out to be real and also ended up having a positive side. Amsterdam was awesome...too awesome. And I had soooo much fun in Prague just acting like I lived here and forgetting that I'm essentially a tourist. By the end of this trip I will have travelled to 5 country's capital cities (London on the layover)...Prague, Amsterdam, Vienna, and Bratislava. I also visited three other Czech towns, drank endless amounts of Czech beer and wine, ate a ton of Czech food, as well as other food, smoked more cigarrettes than I have in the past two years, taken approximately 900 pictures/videos, pissed in the streets of two major cities, and had time to stop for a relaxing Thai massage. I'd say thats a pretty damn good trip. Not mentioning that the distance it has put between Gary and I has only made me realize how much I truly love him and how much I don't want to visit a beautiful place like this again, without him by my side, nor leave him for this long ever again either. This summer could have gone much better, with fewer fuck-ups, on the relationship front...but we must live and learn and love...and I love this fucking city, and I love my fucking man. I can think of better ways to have completed this summer, but I can't think of a better place to have spent it.
Na schledanou, Praha, Na schledanou!
I Thirst for More
A Rare Delicacy
by: Steven Flood
With cracked lips
I drank from you, parched
for the salty taste
of your tongue.
Thirst drove me
at first but then your eyes
became a delicacy, your lips
became the bottle I suckled
at for every ounce of life.
I ate through you
and left a heaping pile--
a broken down mess.
Soon you became the leftovers
in my garbage, waiting
for the next desperate bum.
Just a quick update
So upon waking up today, the hurt kicked in...as I knew it would. It really makes me question whether or not we feel these things over infidelity because of socialization or if it instinctively hurts, through the heart. No doubt the socialization of monogamy is real, but was it created out of thin air? or was it based on some parts of reality? It doesn't hurt so much to think about what he did...what hurts is that I'm questioning everything again. And I had gotten past all the questioning. Like for instance...last night we pretty much talked about everything...but I'm not sure if Gary actually explicitly said to me that that instance was the only one while I've been away...and this morning I was racked with doubts and questions of whether or not it happened more than once and whether or not he just decided to tell me about one of them. I've had to ask him specifically now because I know my head will cheat me and I won't be able to stop until he tells me. It also makes me question his feelings for me...but this is only slightly disturbing to me because like I've said before...I've been really close to a one-night stand and I have no doubt in my mind that I love Gary to death...so I'm trying not to burden myself with questioning his feelings just because he had a one-night stand a month ago. If one has happened since we've been talking more seriously about our relationship and future, I'm not sure that I can overcome it and our relationship will probably quickly falter. But I hope, and I feel sure that one hasn't happened since then and that the one he told me about is the only one.
We go together like peas and carrots!
Sometimes it takes something really ugly to make us notice the more beautiful things in life. First example...the moment when Gary told me about his fooling around with another guy back in June...that made me realize just how much I did love him and it made me comfortable enough with it to actually tell him. Second example...seeing the Communist era structures in Praha, it really makes you notice how beautiful capitalism can be at times (OMG!). Third example...I had a really vivid and real and horrible dream back on Jul 3rd in Karlovy Vary about Gary being drunk and hooking up with someone...well that turns out to have been true and upon realizing this I really believe that somehow I'm subconciously connected to Gary. Now to me, I think that is a wonderful thing...afterall, thats kind of the idea behind soulmates. And being the optimist that I am and knowing that I'm continuously on the search for my soulmate...tonight was a big sign pointing towards Shrezzieville and even though its electricity came from an unfortunate and sad event that should have hurt a lot, the joy that I experienced from my realization has so far overshadowed it. But then again, it's 4:20 in the morning and I'm still awake for a good reason...my mind is not so reliable when I go to sleep and I'm trying to avoid the seemingly inevitable bad thoughts that will arise from the dream's reality. Either way, I'm happy...because Gary and I have talked a lot about our relationship these past few weeks and I'm much more secure with my emotions now. I know that when he tells me that he misses me like crazy and can't wait to see me when i get back, and that he wants our relationship to grow and become something more stable and serious (this summer has surely been a wild ride of confusion) , he is genuine and serious. We both fucked up royally this summer and I know he feels just as guilty as I do. Afterall, it's not like I've been totally innocent while in Prague...first there was Martin (the Czech Angel) and even though nothing happened with him, I was sure willing for it to (at least while under the influence of absinth). And then there was Will, the straight-Australian guy whom I made out with just for fun at F/X...if he were gay, I probably would have fooled around with him (again under the influence of absinth...noticing a trend? STAY AWAY FROM THE ABSINTH all you coupled people!). This doesn't mean I love Gary any less...its just been an extremely complicated summer and up until the past two or three weeks, he and I hadn't really had the chance to have a serious discussion about our future. And then there was the most recent bout of fucked-upness...I ended up having sex with a girl! GASP! Technically it is cheating...but considering the circumstances I think Gary just had a good laugh at it...even though he was a bit disgusted, but thats to be expected...I mean, afterall, it was a vagina! Ewwwww. But yeah...there's always been this little part of me that has wanted to have sex with a girl just to see what life could have been like if I did not end up one of the Chosen people and was thus left to be a simple breeder, carrying on the human species. Also, it will be nice to be able to shoot back at my dad that I have had sex with a girl the next time he goes saying stupid shit like, "How can you turn pussy down without trying it? I guarantee that once you try it, you'll love it!" Well Dad, the experiment is over and I can say to you is that my sexual encounter with a girl did nothing more than to prove to me just how gross it is and how much more I love having sex with guys. Especially when you throw in the variable of love...gosh, sex is soooooo much better when it is with someone you love. If you don't love them, then it's pretty much just getting your rocks off...and i must say...my hand seems to do a better job at that than any boy I've hooked up with. And this also is an underlying reason to why I didn't get drastically crushed by the news from Gary...it was just a one night stand and it meant nothing to him and he did regret it afterwards...naturally too...for I know what it is like to have a penis and realize that you've lost control of yourself to it. This doesn't excuse the behavior...but I decided to treat it rationally and realistically. And also intuitively I know that Gary loves me ( I know he's not sure yet and I'm not pushing him into it, but this is my gut feeling) and that what I offer him in bed is far superior to what he got on either of the two hookups and that it means much more to him to have my love, then have some one-night dicks. So the point is...there's no reason to get all huffy puffy because the entire summer was fucked up and the expectations weren't made clear. What's important is that I'm in love with him, and he's (almost) in love with me, and regardless of the levels of love, we enjoy each other's company immensely and we get along great, making one great pair.
