Consummated Randomness

We go together like peas and carrots!

Sometimes it takes something really ugly to make us notice the more beautiful things in life. First example...the moment when Gary told me about his fooling around with another guy back in June...that made me realize just how much I did love him and it made me comfortable enough with it to actually tell him. Second example...seeing the Communist era structures in Praha, it really makes you notice how beautiful capitalism can be at times (OMG!). Third example...I had a really vivid and real and horrible dream back on Jul 3rd in Karlovy Vary about Gary being drunk and hooking up with someone...well that turns out to have been true and upon realizing this I really believe that somehow I'm subconciously connected to Gary. Now to me, I think that is a wonderful thing...afterall, thats kind of the idea behind soulmates. And being the optimist that I am and knowing that I'm continuously on the search for my soulmate...tonight was a big sign pointing towards Shrezzieville and even though its electricity came from an unfortunate and sad event that should have hurt a lot, the joy that I experienced from my realization has so far overshadowed it. But then again, it's 4:20 in the morning and I'm still awake for a good reason...my mind is not so reliable when I go to sleep and I'm trying to avoid the seemingly inevitable bad thoughts that will arise from the dream's reality. Either way, I'm happy...because Gary and I have talked a lot about our relationship these past few weeks and I'm much more secure with my emotions now. I know that when he tells me that he misses me like crazy and can't wait to see me when i get back, and that he wants our relationship to grow and become something more stable and serious (this summer has surely been a wild ride of confusion) , he is genuine and serious. We both fucked up royally this summer and I know he feels just as guilty as I do. Afterall, it's not like I've been totally innocent while in Prague...first there was Martin (the Czech Angel) and even though nothing happened with him, I was sure willing for it to (at least while under the influence of absinth). And then there was Will, the straight-Australian guy whom I made out with just for fun at F/X...if he were gay, I probably would have fooled around with him (again under the influence of absinth...noticing a trend? STAY AWAY FROM THE ABSINTH all you coupled people!). This doesn't mean I love Gary any less...its just been an extremely complicated summer and up until the past two or three weeks, he and I hadn't really had the chance to have a serious discussion about our future. And then there was the most recent bout of fucked-upness...I ended up having sex with a girl! GASP! Technically it is cheating...but considering the circumstances I think Gary just had a good laugh at it...even though he was a bit disgusted, but thats to be expected...I mean, afterall, it was a vagina! Ewwwww. But yeah...there's always been this little part of me that has wanted to have sex with a girl just to see what life could have been like if I did not end up one of the Chosen people and was thus left to be a simple breeder, carrying on the human species. Also, it will be nice to be able to shoot back at my dad that I have had sex with a girl the next time he goes saying stupid shit like, "How can you turn pussy down without trying it? I guarantee that once you try it, you'll love it!" Well Dad, the experiment is over and I can say to you is that my sexual encounter with a girl did nothing more than to prove to me just how gross it is and how much more I love having sex with guys. Especially when you throw in the variable of love...gosh, sex is soooooo much better when it is with someone you love. If you don't love them, then it's pretty much just getting your rocks off...and i must say...my hand seems to do a better job at that than any boy I've hooked up with. And this also is an underlying reason to why I didn't get drastically crushed by the news from Gary...it was just a one night stand and it meant nothing to him and he did regret it afterwards...naturally too...for I know what it is like to have a penis and realize that you've lost control of yourself to it. This doesn't excuse the behavior...but I decided to treat it rationally and realistically. And also intuitively I know that Gary loves me ( I know he's not sure yet and I'm not pushing him into it, but this is my gut feeling) and that what I offer him in bed is far superior to what he got on either of the two hookups and that it means much more to him to have my love, then have some one-night dicks. So the point is...there's no reason to get all huffy puffy because the entire summer was fucked up and the expectations weren't made clear. What's important is that I'm in love with him, and he's (almost) in love with me, and regardless of the levels of love, we enjoy each other's company immensely and we get along great, making one great pair.

posted by RPF @ 6:59 PM