Confused. Conflicted.
These things just get more and more spread out---
So let's see, what has happened to Steven in the past week or so...hmm, well I got sick, then got my roommate even MORE sick (she's been laid up for like four days now) and I've been dicking around on the computer doing nothing except realizing that I'm single (duh) and that I'm broke. I could end this blog entry right there because that is a good summation of my week, however, it is not satisfying to write only one sentence. So I will belabor(bear with me, if my words are mis-used it is because I've been stuck reading an early 20th century novel that has my head all fucked up) on and write a more thorough account of the inner workings of my life and mind for the past week or so. By all accounts, I would call the week mundane, yet at another level it was extremely strange. Let's call the general theme of this week, Confused. Confused as hell, and conflicted...I don't know what's going on in my life right now, nor do I know what I want. Boys, school, job, recreation...its all one big fucking mess. For the record, I still very much like a certain boy that is in Europe, and I probably always will like him, but the chances of me being able to be with him again are slowly slipping away. Realism is setting in. I should be out there where it's possible to meet other guys (read: not find a boyfriend, but just meeting people and seeing what happens) yet, I'm swamped by schoolwork and then I hang out with a bunch of straight people. Honestly, it's hard to even think of other guys in any way other than friend because I always find myself comparing people to Europe boy and they just fall short. Probably unfair of me to do, to them and to myself, but I can't control the workings of my haphazard mind. Musing over all this leaves me somewhat depressed and little time to concentrate on my (like always) burdensome workload for school. It just keeps piling up and piling up. I now have a test in two days(I don't even have the book for it yet) and three papers due in a week and a half, not to mention a BIG test in like 9 days, then two more big tests the following week and another paper due that week. THAT is a lot, and it SUCKS. It would sure be nice to have an awesome spring break to someplace like, say, London...but that ain't gonna happen, especially (but not only) due to my tight fiscal situation.
All in all, I'd say life is pretty treacherous right now, but I am consciously aware that I tend to over-dramatize things when they are current. Usually I stick my neck out and get through it and once I'm on the other side, nothing ever seems as difficult in hindsight, as I made it out to be in the first place.
To all of you who read this blog, have a great week and until next time (which will probably be on a lonely Valentine's day...) can I get a FUCK FUCK FUCK.
posted by RPF @ 12:13 PM
1 Comments:
Dude, take it from me: Valentines day deserves to be spent single! Noone needs that crap. As far as London boy is concerned....I dunno. I know its difficult, I would be going insane as well. But I think all things considered you're handling it better than you think you are. It's only a matter of time before happiness will come again, I promise. But yeah, screw Valentines day. It is commercialized, mundane, and worthless. I am out.
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