Life is not a Drama DVD
So I think I have created a monster! Tonight and the past few nights that I have brought it up...Gary and I have done a lot more talking...and it looks like the hope I may have been holding on to has dissipated like the afternoon thunderstorms around here. That is good and bad at the same time...the bad obviously being that Gary and I are apparently over for good now, with the rare exception that fate actually does determine love and that he and I are destined to be lovers forever; and the good is that no matter how much it hurts...I now have gotten some straight answers and I have the opportunity to look forward in my life and let go of him. It turns out that the boy was head over heels in love with me the semester we first met...but I had all this free time and he was busy with school and I got frustrated and thought he wasn't that into me, or more to the point, I wasn't satisfied and was looking for more! Well, since he isn't good at communicating how he feels...he never told me he was in love with me, and even though i know I saw it, I put the blinders on and went full ahead into breaking up with him and then smoking with a certain someone and sharing my bed with them. That is apparently what led to the end of our relationship...because Gary really never quite got over that. And then throughout the rest of that fucked up summer, other things happened that I could never really quite get over...and so here we are...seperated, sad, looking to the future, and not quite being able to forget about the great times we had together. Le sigh...so love in real life never actually happens like love in the movies...there rarely are second chances...and even if there are...they are doomed to fail because we as humans never seem to be able to let go of the past. :(
How Do I Let Go?
So this is what it really feels like to be heartbroken... for almost two months now all I have managed to do is wake up in the morning, exercise, tan, or go to work and do mindless stuff there all day, make some good money, and then go home and sit at this computer and attempt to talk to people. Mostly I attempt to talk to gary, but then he's got more distractions in Gville and he's also not wrecked over this, but rather, fairly happy...so what ends up happening is that I message him, and he takes forever to respond, and when he does it is just short, clipped responses for the most part. Then I get all upset, and get paranoid that he is doing things that I've never liked him doing, and then I guess I start to nag him...which truly is the last thing I've ever wanted to do to him, especially now that I'm left trying to show him how truly good of a match we are. As for other people to talk to, well there's a problem there as well, because as soon as they ask me how I'm doing, or what I've been up to, I always cave in and tell them the truth. That truth is that I'm miserable, truly and utterly miserable. This is the worst I think I've ever felt in my life, and surely the lamest. Well, maybe aside from a few drastic and dramatic breakdowns I may or may not have had when I was in the closet. And back to telling them the truth...to be frank, people for the most part do not want to interrupt their normal, stable lives to delve into conversation with a man who is heartbroken and miserable. Misery may love company, but no one wants to RSVP for the cocktail party. :(
So, I know that I am in utter hell here...and I know that this is truly what heartbreak is. I may not be bedridden like some people get...but I am surely a walking zombie, completely out of character. I've lost all of the bounce in my step. I can't watch TV without thinking about 'us', I can't pay attention to my research work, which has greatly suffered this summer, I can't even read the newspaper. Hell, I can't even find much inspiration for writing some poetry or even writing these blogs. Perhaps recognizing all this will help me to overcome it sooner, who knows. All I know is that for now, Gary is unforgettable. Especially since we are trying to be friends...and I don't know how that is going to happen, or what it really means...On my behalf, a friendship with him in the near future is only going to be reliant on the fact that every moment spent talking to him, hanging out with him, anything...is a way for my troubled mind to hold out hope that one day, when he's grown up a little, we will be gettting back together. As far as his side goes...i dunno...he's refused to say that him and I will never be together (which perhaps might be the only way for me to move on in any near future) and intuitively I know that he cares a great deal about me, even when I'm unstable and can be a little crazy, but at the same time he frequently finds a way to reiterate to me that we are no longer dating, that things have changed, and must change. A small part of me holds contempt for him because it feels as though he doesn't have the balls to just rip me apart and let me go, or that he wants to keep me close as the backup option if he doesnt find anything better. And then the rest of me thinks he is just confused, and finally realized that he needs to figure out what he wants in life...and who he is, and that he needs to become more comfortable with himself without hiding underneath me...and I also think that Gary and I are match, the joining of two souls, the fated relationship of my life, the ONE...and I feel as if one day we will definitely be back together. But the tough part right now is living with the choices he has made and the waiting...the waiting is the hardest part. Because with each day that goes by, the more and more one starts to worry that perhaps he's never going to come back. Furthermore...I am not perfect, nor stable at the moment, and I can not say with honesty that I am capable of acting rationally and sanely...so what happens when I hear that he has hooked up with someone? or that he is spending a lot more time than usual with someone new? or that he is still up to his old habits? How do I handle the fact that at the moment I am not the center of his life, as I once was, as I hope to always be? How do I let go? Should I let go? How is one supposed to embrace and live through the attitudes and beliefs behind all the variations of "If you love something so much, then you need to let it go, and if it returns, then you know it is meant to be!"
I just wish it will all stop! I need to get my life back in order...I need to be able to concentrate on mind-engaging work. I need to be able to think through things consecutively for an hour or more without having to worry about thoughts of him popping up in my head, or thoughts of grief and loss, or thoughts of jealousy, or thoughts of "what am I to do now?" This is a crucial time in my life for many things...decisions I make in these next few months to a year are going to affect many critical aspects of my life for years to come. Finishing up strong in school, completing my research paper, wisely choosing among graduate schools, deciding if a PhD in poli sci is truly truly truly what I want to achieve...if conducting empirical political research is something I really want to do for the most of my career, and deciding if any of it will be worth it at all if i don't have the man of my dreams right there beside me the entire way. The man who will help me through my rough times, not cause them. Is that man Gary? That there is the question of my life at the moment. I know it seems foolish to have a boy as the focal point of my life, the point which every decision must go through, where every plan I make must accomodate that point, but this is my life, this is how I function...I cannot picture my life any other way...and trust me, if I could go about my life without having a certain boy in the center of it, I would do it anyday...because anything is easier than this. And for now, lying in bed with Gary and holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes and seeing every ounce of him truly happy and secure, is still THE most amazing feeling and experience I've ever had in my life, it is my true happiness...and my life, guarantee it now, will never amount to anything unless I find someway to experience that feeling again, either with him or with someone else who has the power to do that for me...which at this point in my life does not seem like a real chance...it's Gary, or it's nothing in my heart. If he finally realizes that what he needs to do is fully rip me apart and tell me that there is no chance for us ever again, then maybe, hopefully, there will be someone else out there that can make me feel that way again. If it comes down to it, I sure as fucking hell hope that there is more than one "soul-mate" out there for each of us...cuz if Gary gets away, I know for sure that my "soul-mate" did.
I love you
What am I to do? Baby, you were meant for me. I was meant for you. Let's learn from our past mistakes and build on all the great experiences we had. Get everything you need to out of your system and I'll do the same, but when the time is right, if and when our day comes it will be truly amazing, just like it always was when we would cuddle. I don't mean this to sound as if I'm waiting for you, because that would be foolish of me and naive...however, I'll probably be in de facto waiting. I only have so long left in Gainesville and then we will likely be moving away from each other, I just hope we keep in touch and visit each other whenever possible. I'll always love you, and you will always be welcome at my home. Consider this as me letting you go, so you can find yourself, so I can find myself, so that we can put the problems of our past behind us, so that we can cherish all the great times we had, and so that we don't do anything else that fucks up whatever situation we now have. I love you.
Foolish and Irrational
The great mystery of life is love. As humans we learn that we are supposed to love people and fall in love with one person and live a lifelong monogamous relationship with them. But this seems very hard to do. The divorce rate is climbing through the roof, and adultery is uncontrollable, let alone measurable due to its nature. Religious zealots will argue that this is a sign that the "moral fabric" of society is deteriorating in these "secular" times. But once again I find myself asking myself...especially at this time of heartbreak and personal love problems...is monogamy meant for us? I couldn't imagine being in an open relationship with someone i'm crazy in love with...thinking about my love having sex with someone else makes every organ in my chest cavity constrict and feel dead. Yet, at those same times, when in a relationship with someone I was crazy in love with, I still found myself attracted to other guys and even at times yearning to suck some other guy's cock, or to be fucked by some guy's cock. I would never act on it of course...but why is it that we always desire something we do not have? when we can not have it? I think what is fucked up about society is that we idealize sexuality as being one with love...if we could erase hundreds of years of socialization, would it be possible for us to find our special love with someone and cherish them for the rest of our lives while also being able to have sex with someone else when we naturally desire it? And also being able to stomach the thought of our love doing the same? The trouble is, even though I acknowledge and know that monogamy is, for the most part, a social construct, I cannot extract myself from the years of socialization and have an open relationship. Even now, after being broken up, and albeit I'm still in love with him...I fucking died inside when I found out he had had sex with someone else.
So in love, I'm no expert. And even though theory might try and examine love and human relations through a rational and logical lens, I hestitate to claim that it can be done. It seems to me that Love is irrational and spans across logical boundaries. Which is why my mature life, ever since I've been dating, could never be described as rational. This is why I still pine over Gary and fool myself into believing that one day we might find ourselves back together...even though rational thought would tell me that it is over, and that once we give up on it it will eventually completely crumble...that no good will ever come of me thinking otherwise, because it just sets myself up for a longer period of suffering, waiting, hoping...only to be rejected time and time again. No, love is irrational, which is why I choose to irrationally believe that there is some force which connects Gary and me and that we are 'soulmates' who are lost right now, but will eventually come to find ourselves again, when our vision is less cloudy and distracted.
Conditions for writing have arisen again
So the last year and a half has been tumultuous, manic, enlightening, educating, and, likely, damaging. I finally fell in love with someone and it enabled me to experience the highest highs of my life, as well as the most heartwrenching lows of my life. Love truly does do crazy things. Looking back and trying to think rationally of the relationship proves to be an unsurmountable feat. I don't understand why I did many of the things I did, why certain things made me so unhappy, nor why I kept getting hurt and going back for more. I've tried to sit here and, in order to help me get over it quicker, deny that I was actually in love and convince myself that I was just the same boy I was 4 years ago and just wanted a boyfriend to provide me with intimacy and closeness because I thrive on it. It isn't possible though, no matter how much I may put my mind to it. The reality is that my heart is more powerful than my mind now, and it is definitely saying that I am deeply in love. It feels soooooo real, I felt like this was the one, or a 'one', and I never imagined that it would end so lopsided. We are trying to continue and be close friends...but as the summer has gone on, and things have come up, it is seeming like that is more and more an unattainable ideal. When I broke up with mario, who I wasn't even in love with, it took me pretty much until the first month of the spring semester to be fully stable and normal again...that was like 6 months. With Gary, who I am deeply in love with, it's been a little over a month that we have been broken up...and I'm just as unstable now as I was when we broke up...I fear it could be a long while before I'm back to my normal self. I'll get a little better when I'm not stuck in my lonely hell of an existence down here in Marathon and then I'll be able to just indulge myself in my school work and research and the whole application process for graduate schools.
I'll eventually be moving away from most everyone I know...within the year I'm sure...and that is going to be really tough because I love my friends dearly, even if it's not always apparent, and I value them all greatly. Moving away and starting over is appealing when I think about my love life, if just a bit scary, but moving away is a sad thought when it comes with the reality punch of leaving everyone else behind and having to build a new support network in a place over a thousand miles from here.
I guess it's really time to start growing up :(
