Things aren't so bad
Oops, it has been nine days since the last one...I've kind of been busy! After finishing that long ass paper I was too stressed out to really study for my midterm on thursday which I did well on anyways. My studying however has been non-existent since then. That's a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is I've been hanging out and spending time with someone who's really cute and sweet (and a huge distraction)...bad thing is, I've got two more papers to write this week, a fucking metered and rhyming sonnet, and two big midterms to study for and I'm running out of time! On another note, Spring Break is up in the air...I have no idea what I'm going to do but something tells me it won't be as interesting and fun as last year's. Most likely I'll spend most of it here in gville hanging out with a few people, catching up on my school reading, laying out by the pool, etc. etc. Then for some part of it I want to go to Jax and see my family and go to a spa for self-indulgence and spoiling. Hopefully I'll be able to work on my tan too because I was getting so pale...in fact, I went to a tanning bed for the first time in my life because I was so pale. I basically haven't been in the sun since last spring break because this past summer I worked and took care of a puppy who's owner didn't feel like doing any of the training work for.
Anyways, I really can not be rambling on here because I have a lot of work to accomplish and little time to do it. I'll try not to wait so long before I write again!
Bummed Situation
So here I sit amongst my notes and books and whatnot and I can not seem to concentrate. I keep getting distracted by the inner workings of my mind and I want nothing more than to go out, party, have a good time, watch a movie, hang out with people, go out with someone, rather than sit here eating pasta, butter, and cheese for the millionth time and second today. This is exactly what I do not want to do with my life. I do not want a career to hold me back, to make me do things that I do not want to do, or to keep me from doing things I so much want to do. It has now been two and a half hours since I got home from work and all I have managed to do is read through about 16 of 40 pages of Robert Nozick's Distributive Justice and extracted only enough material to garner about one page of my paper (I need ten). Once Nozick is over I have to sift through Rand, Rawls, and Dworkin: not an easy task by any means. I expect to be sifting until probably sunday morning at which point I need to solidify an outline and begin writing because I have other things that need doing after Monday (not including having to work on Monday).
So here I sit at my keyboard, hurriedly eating my aparagus and pasta and typing this out because I have no where else to vent. Everyone is out on dates or the movies, or getting ready for parties and clubbing, which is what I wish I was doing (any of the above would be fine with me). However, I must remain a stressed out, frustrated, lonely little boy and seek for company the obnoxiously incomprehensible highbrow works of above said philosophers and my own mind, which at times just begins to hurt from trying to consume so much bullshit in such compressed periods of time. This is my life for the next fourteen days...I'm hoping I survive and that the end of the period brings immense relief. Hopefully I will have something (or someone) interesting to do over spring break to sort of act as a reward for the trials I must endure presently.
I must be wrapping this up now and returning to my work... If any cute boys wish to rescue me and take me out...Please do so! I will make the time for it (afterall, who needs sleep?) You have my cell phone and you know how to IM me! (at least, the person whom I would let distract me, does.)
Confused. Conflicted.
These things just get more and more spread out---
So let's see, what has happened to Steven in the past week or so...hmm, well I got sick, then got my roommate even MORE sick (she's been laid up for like four days now) and I've been dicking around on the computer doing nothing except realizing that I'm single (duh) and that I'm broke. I could end this blog entry right there because that is a good summation of my week, however, it is not satisfying to write only one sentence. So I will belabor(bear with me, if my words are mis-used it is because I've been stuck reading an early 20th century novel that has my head all fucked up) on and write a more thorough account of the inner workings of my life and mind for the past week or so. By all accounts, I would call the week mundane, yet at another level it was extremely strange. Let's call the general theme of this week, Confused. Confused as hell, and conflicted...I don't know what's going on in my life right now, nor do I know what I want. Boys, school, job, recreation...its all one big fucking mess. For the record, I still very much like a certain boy that is in Europe, and I probably always will like him, but the chances of me being able to be with him again are slowly slipping away. Realism is setting in. I should be out there where it's possible to meet other guys (read: not find a boyfriend, but just meeting people and seeing what happens) yet, I'm swamped by schoolwork and then I hang out with a bunch of straight people. Honestly, it's hard to even think of other guys in any way other than friend because I always find myself comparing people to Europe boy and they just fall short. Probably unfair of me to do, to them and to myself, but I can't control the workings of my haphazard mind. Musing over all this leaves me somewhat depressed and little time to concentrate on my (like always) burdensome workload for school. It just keeps piling up and piling up. I now have a test in two days(I don't even have the book for it yet) and three papers due in a week and a half, not to mention a BIG test in like 9 days, then two more big tests the following week and another paper due that week. THAT is a lot, and it SUCKS. It would sure be nice to have an awesome spring break to someplace like, say, London...but that ain't gonna happen, especially (but not only) due to my tight fiscal situation.
All in all, I'd say life is pretty treacherous right now, but I am consciously aware that I tend to over-dramatize things when they are current. Usually I stick my neck out and get through it and once I'm on the other side, nothing ever seems as difficult in hindsight, as I made it out to be in the first place.
To all of you who read this blog, have a great week and until next time (which will probably be on a lonely Valentine's day...) can I get a FUCK FUCK FUCK.
