I Thank you...bitch!
Thank you. Thank you very fuckin' much for ruining my night. The night that I went out on in the first place to forget about you. Thank you very fuckin' much. If you want to tear me up, you can easily do it yourself, without the help of the new flavor of the shitty week. The flavor that looks like dog shit! You ranaway...how come you wouldn't runaway tonight? You make all your tomorrows harder for yourself than today. There is nothing more that I can do, it is now up to you. You'll never be able to love anyone else, if you first don't love yourself. When you find that you love yourself, come find me and we'll see if I'll have you back. The chemistry is definitely there...it's just gotta take effort on our parts. But thank you. Thank you very fuckin' much.
My heart is on my sleeve...ruining my favorite shirt!
So I went to the club tonight...for the first time without gary...the first time truly being single. I have no idea what I was expecting. But what I got was a big dose of how different I am from pretty much everyone there...and also a dreaded feeling of aloneness. No one even remotely close to worthwhile hit on me, and as usual I could not dance with someone for more than a minute or so without my hips getting bored. I conclude that either I am ugly (which I doubt is the case seeing as there were a fair share of people staring at me...although they could be staring at my patheticness) or I am intimidating. For shits and giggles I am going to assume it is the latter. Now I ask myself...how am I intimidating? Once I got to thinking about it I began to realize that I don't really socialize well with gays, and that my dancing by myself may lead people to think I am full of myself. It was pretty much the same way back at the Metro when I was 18 and going there every saturday just to dance my ass off and break up the monotony that was my closeted, high-school, football, Eagle scout driven life. :( I guess it just bums me out because I have no gay friends and I have no one to really take my mind off of gary. Sure, he found it easy to take his mind off of me...but he is easily pleased and there is something about him that makes people go up to him and talk to him...I guess it is the fact that he is quiet and not very threatening or intimidating to people. I do not try to be those things...but it would seem that that is exactly how I come across.
I'm going to bed tonight very exhausted...physically and emotionally. Fuck all the boys at the club...all they ended up doing was make me think more and more about how great Gary is and how great Gary and I were together. Unlike OJ's glove...Gary and I actually fit together. But I guess that is neither here nor there. So raise your glasses! Cuz here's a toast to another pathetic night in the life of Steven...a night weighed down by the immense sadness in my heart and my inner cries for help.
Dreams last for so long...even after you're gone
Yesterday was a very painful and draining day for me. I guess it was a few days ago now that I decided that Gary and I should not be speaking to each other for a while. It was a really difficult decision to make because he's such a part of my life--rather, was such a part of my life before we broke up...and even over the summer we still talked just about every single day. In fact, up until about a week ago I was still his final call for the night, the one person he talked to right before going to bed. Now everything has changed. I could not handle things emotionally when he was around, and when we tried to hang out this past weekend I pretty much could not control myself from throwing myself at him. I was really pathetic and it made both of us uncomfortable. That was what prompted me to make the decision. I can't be so weak. I need to be stronger and I guess I've decided that the only way I can get stronger is to cut out the weakness that is Gary. Today I had lunch with him, I really don't know why or how it happened, and the weakness returned. The conversation was really strained, mostly because I was trembling inside (Gary never really says much), and everytime he looked at me with those brown, nepalese eyes my heart would just melt and I would tense up inside.
Friends have told me to just cut him out of my life for good...to not even preface our break from communication with an expectation of temporariness. I understand why they advise this, but I can not fathom the reality of it. At this moment in my life, no matter the pain, there is a large part of me that believes that one day, maybe not anytime soon, Gary and I will be back together. Is it something I sit around and wait for? No. Is it a hope to alleviate some of the immense pain and sense of loss? No.
For now, while he and I are both still in Gainesville and close to each other, if we remain apart, as I believe we will, it is going to be tough for me. Being that I have only 4 months left in Gainesville I will have to spend the entire time being near Gary as a time for healing. There are no other boys in my immediate future because there is no one around that could even begin to replace Gary, not now, not in Gainesville, and maybe not ever. Even friends are having trouble replacing the sense of companionship and closeness that I felt with Gary. Gary was my boyfriend, but first and foremost he was my best friend. A best friend that knew every single detail of my life. A best friend that I could tell anything to without fear of being judged. A best friend that had the ability to cuddle with me and not say a word and where it did not become uncomfortable. He was the most comforting, sincere, and beautiful friend/companion I have ever known. It is that reason that has made this break-up so difficult.
I was trying to watch Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind last night and I began thinking about how nice it seems that it would be to just erase the memories that cause this pain. But I don't believe I have the balls to do it. I can honestly say that the memories I share with Gary, the year and a half that I've spent with Gary, the connection that I have with Gary are the best aspects of my life to this date. No way in hell would I want to delete all of that from my brain. one day the pain will subside and I'll be left with the fondness of great memories. For now, I will live the reality that is the pain and loss, but I will constantly dream that one day Gary and I will be in each other's arms again--older, more mature, ready--and it will be the happiest moment of my life.
