Dread...
Well I guess this semester just continues to suck ass. I'm not sure what is going on but I'm slipping and slipping further and further. Everywhere I turn it seems as if the worst is happening, or at least something not so good. Everyone I count on for emotional strenght has turned on me, or abandoned me in my time of need. And the person who I cherish the most with my emotions, is unfortunately part of the cause of my recent depression. I'm beginning to realize how difficult it can be for gay people now. True, I've decided to keep my life centered mostly around heterosexual people, but not it has dawned on me how foolish it is do so. When your closet friends and family merely tolerate your sexuality it becomes impossible to talk seriously with them about relationship woes. So where do you turn for comfort when the only person who you can turn to is the one you need to get away from? I find myself in a situation where I need to talk with someone who understands me and can listen to my woes and in return give me honest, good advice. I have plenty of people who are willing to listen, but then they turn and give misguided advice based on their own personal biases, and because they truly don't understand me, therefore they wouldn't be able to help me at all.
I have no idea what I'm doing right now, what I want to do, where I want to be, what I'm willing to sacrifice and so on. All I know is that this past week has been mortal hell and last night I spent three hours crying to myself while a selfish boyfriend sat in silence, studying for a stupid test...then I woke up this morning and the same selfish boy asked me to lay around for an hour and a half while he got dresssed and packed and studied some more so that I could drop him off somewhere. As soon as the alarm clock went off he was out of bed and pretty much ignoring me until it was time that he needed something from me. I NEEDED something from him too...but as is happening all too often in this relationship now, my needs get ignored while I sacrifice everything to meet his needs. At what point do I stop it? At what point am I willing to say enough is enough and leave him? Right now i could never picture myself doing that...id put myself through months more of this anguish...just for the fluttering moments of tenderness and sweetness he shares with me when everything else in his life is taken care of. People will never change...so I guess I'm the one that needs to do some thinking...am I willing to always take the backseat to his school and later on his career? I can tell you the answer right now, absolutely not. No. Never. I need to be the center of his world and everything else needs to float around that fact. Perhaps this dooms me forever in relationships. But everyday forever is looking like less and less of an option. Faced with the situation I think I'd rather live carelessly as long as I can handle it, and then just stop living.
posted by RPF @ 8:32 AM
0 comments
