Consummated Randomness

Sometimes my mind is a liability, rather than an asset

Umm, where do I start? I have a lot of things on my mind and a lot has happened in the past 48 hours or so. I guess I will write about my St. Patty's Day experience first. As we all know, yesterday was St. Patrick's Day which means college kids and Irish people were out in full force nursing their alcoholic needs. I was one of them. I started off the day by skipping every single one of my classes (and for the first time I actually feel a little guilty for it) and sleeping in. Once I woke up and Gary got out of class, I went to lunch with him and then went to Old Navy to get a shirt for the occasion (I actuall got two and they were free, for reasons I'll discuss later) and Albertson's to buy some booze (I'm finally 21 and the fuckers didn't even card me, this has happened three times to me in the week and a half I've actually been old enough...they seemed to ask all the time before.) After all that was done I had to part ways with Gary so he could do some homework and I could finish packing and getting ready for the roadtrip to Savannah. Savannah was a fucking blast! Expensive, crowded, chaotic, and freezing. We spent a few hours buying drinks, taking pictures with weird, strange people, talking to those strange people, dancing in our drunkeness, and basically just having a good time. That's about all I can say about Savannah because if you ask me about specifics I may not know them....let's just say that everyone woke up hungover.

As for the free Old Navy stuff...I've kept this a secret for a while and actually for a while now it has been a moot factor in my life: I'm a klepto. There I said it, now I must go painfully pluck my nose hairs as punishment for my sins. But seriously, my ex was a klepto and he got me into it against my better judgement. I only take from the big, evil corporations such as Wal-Mart and Old Navy and sometimes Target, but mostly Wal-Mart, and never ever from small business places or family-run places (this is my twisted way of rationalizing my criminal and unethical behavior). I actually haven't taken many things since pretty much when I broke up with my ex, but every once in a while I just have this urge to go and take stuff...klepto binges if you will...and that's what happened yesterday. I'm really trying to stop it entirely, especially since I only take things that I could easily afford anyways. I'm a bad bad bad boy.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is my love life, or lack thereof. I do have a boyfriend. Matterafact he is a really cute, sweet boyfriend and we have been dating for about a month now (not really sure what day we started dating but I am sure that we met on February 8th). I said lack thereof earlier because I think love is absent. That is, I don't think either of us are falling in love yet. There are many reasons why this is a little alarming to me and also many reasons why I am probably just being my crazy, usual self when it comes to relationships and love. You see, even though I had a serious 2 year relationship that I learned much from, I think I still don't know enough about relationships to evaluate any particular one. How long is it supposed to take before you start falling in love? does it depend on the person who you would be falling in love with, like their personality and characteristics? how exactly are you supposed to know when it happens? is it like a big bang? does it have to be? or can you slowly start to realize your love for someone? I guess my point is...there have been times in the past where I thought I was in love at first sight and the relationships that come about because of this have never survived long at all, and the one relationship where it took me a while to realize I was in love lasted for two years, albeit they were a pretty fucked up two years...so I guess I'm just scared about where things are going, if they are going anywhere at all. I think they are and I hope they are because he's the sweetest little thing and I love that about him. I'm just afraid that I haven't been as good as I should be to him because I'm frustrated with myself and this ever-present neurosis about love and relationships that I have and I tend to take out my frustration on those who are part of the source of it and who are close to me. Gary fits both. So I'm afraid he's getting double-fucked (pardon the entendre here). I don't even know why I wrote all this on here because I haven't really even had the chance to talk to him about some of this that I'm feeling, but I'm going to soon I hope.

I would end this there but I must inform you all of the awesome opportunity that has been presented to me. It seems that a few of the more serious amateur poets in my class want to start a poetry group outside of class where we can invite our poet friends and sit around and workshop each other's poems to become better writer's ourselves in the hopes of getting published. Totally cool idea and I think that it would help a lot, I just hope that we can find a way to get it going and turn this idea into a reality that exists for more than like 3 weeks.

Okay, I'm done...I must shower now and hopefully I can see my boy.

posted by RPF @ 4:09 PM